RedAsh's Blog

Hi Mum, its been another long while since I want to put down my thoughts...

Its been a long week, a lot of things happened, good and bad.

In this very short duration of one week, I encountered many many events...

The same old gaining unknown popularity, then exposure of my weaknesses (Slow, weak, lack of urgency, Blur, LeGong, Anti-social) to the others, and the eventual "dwindling down" of my popularity among my peers and superiors.

My first 3 cases are direct and straight forward, no chaos and no qualms. Everything had already bite the dust. But then there is this one case where things has yet settle when I arrived... I made several mistakes, transmitting over global channel, confused by men, and men not following orders, unsure of what is to be done immediately, getting panicky and upbeat.

And after that, I had cases of where the taking/handling over past issues haunting me back like shitmas past. I was questioned on the availability of items that I had previously pointed out... and all these I had to trouble my Mdm RC which I feel very bad... for I had great respect for her.

I had the new RC, pointing out several issues that I had difficulty with... first off, is my low stamina to heat. One of the more interesting thing he had noted is that anyone is capable of work, that is, doing their work. But it is the learning part that will make the work interesting.

Also, I am impressed with his way of explaining things... the SOP that we had, and the improvisation of it; or more rather, the reaction to change of the situation that we will be encountering...

He wants the Rota to be a learning rota, and he wants to do away with the old school culture... which I had no idea what he really is talking about as I miss out the first half of his debrief.

I only know he has a lot of unhappiness with the current rota and BIG HUGE changes will be coming in. I think my attitude with him is very wrong, and I should change my attitude. I should not ignore him and act blur and act as if he is invisible; its just that I feel very pressurize with his presence... for some funny unknown reasons...

Also, I think I had to ask him about why he declared my whole section down during the whole exercise... I could not figure out why, I need to know more about how things work... I need to make thing work out more gracefully. With Matra down, I need to know why sending a Messenger to Staging was not enough. And that "Fred" is what they said a "basketball player", no intent to help, and no grace of accepting fault. I went in without the necessary info. When confronted and revealed the truth, he announced openly that he is not going to teach me anything anymore, oh gosh, he can pretty much save it then and let the whole Rota suffers; He did not tell me much anyway. Helmi is the one who is very very helpful to me.

Anyway, one thing that I had with Furqan is that he valued Zuhri over me; or rather, he only care for himself and Zuhri and totally ignore (ugly word: fuck care) my welfare. He immediately leaped Rota 1 to save Zuhri, and announced that he told me about it on the 16th August 2009, after I had completely handed over to Rota 1 on the 15th August 2009; this is already the concrete proof that he did not view me as a true friend. And the funniest part is that he told me that he handed the paper over to me on the 16th August 2009, when the truth is 14th August 2009. I hope he did that out of desperation... for I view him as a friend... but as all relationship are, it has to be mutual and 2 sided.

It is obvious that he is reluctant to write the L&D Report, for the damage was due to negligence; a chargeable offense. An obstacle to his way to University... as such, he needs to save himself (ugly: his own arse) at the expense of another (ugly: using other people skin). It is ugly when one needs to bastardize others for their own mistake; and for me, I will only retaliate and remember it once for the rest of my life... they can only bastardize me once at the expense of my trust to them. For note, "Fred" is down... many more to go... some pending...