RedAsh's Blog
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Attraction
Is it true that opposites attract? Or would you be happier in a relationship with someone who is very similar to you?
Is attraction something you have to create with another person? Or does it just happen automatically?
Have you ever made up a list of qualities your ideal mate should have, but when you finally met such a person, you realized there was no spark?
Opposites Attract
In many ways Erin and I are total opposites, but we find ourselves naturally attracted to each other. On a logical level, our relationship might seem like a mismatch, but in truth we are very close and very happy together.
Erin is very nurturing and motherly. In college she majored in psychology, partly so she could understand people better. She loves to encourage people and help them feel better about themselves. If our kids ever feel bad, she’s always there to cheer them up and help them solve their problems.
On the other hand, Erin has a much harder time with qualities like confidence and courage. Sometimes I’ve had to shove her out the door to try something new that would stretch her beyond her comfort zone. When people are mean to her, she is very hurt by it. She has a hard time dealing with unfairness and injustice because she can’t understand why anyone would choose to be cruel to anyone else.
Nurturing is not a quality I’d use to describe myself. Trying to be overly nurturing typically makes me nauseous. When other people get emotional around me, I’m more likely to roll my eyes until they get control of themselves. I’m all for abolishing the celebration of birthdays and holidays that include gift-giving because the whole practice seems so fluffy and lame to me.
My natural style involves pushing myself and others to grow. Confidence and courage are qualities that come easily to me, and I thrive on fresh challenges. I actually feel uncomfortable when I spend too much time in my comfort zone — it makes me itchy to try something new.
Erin is very right-brained and intuitive. She’s an extremely talented psychic medium and has been developing those skills since childhood. A lot of people are shocked by the stuff she’s able to pick up about them. She’s imaginative and creative and wrote her first novel in only 16 days. She can play piano by ear, a skill our daughter seems to have inherited.
Left-brained thinking is much harder for Erin. Helping our daughter with her third-grade math homework is sometimes a stretch for Erin. Erin does a lot of things I feel are borderline ADD like leaving lights on all over the house when there’s no one in those rooms or sometimes leaving cabinet doors and drawers open after she’s retrieved something from them. Often when I go to the kitchen after she’s been there, it looks like a small tornado swept through it. Sheldon Cooper would go kittywompus.
Right-brained thinking didn’t come naturally to me. It was something I really had to work hard to develop in my adult years. I thought that intuition was just woo-woo fluff. I found it much easier to understand computers than human beings. I considered most artist/musician types to be lazy, still-living-with-mommy-at-age-30 losers. I could only respect people who could think things through logically.
I am much more left-brained. In college I double-majored in computer science and math. I began learning computer programming at age 10 and was naturally good at it. I like to be very organized, and I have a low tolerance for disorder. If you’ve read my book, I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s highly structured and organized in a fluff-free manner. Left-brained people usually love it, while right-brained people are more likely to find it a little rigid for their tastes.
On some fundamental dimensions of personality, Erin and I are total opposites. She’s on one end of the spectrum, and I’m on the other end.
And yet despite these major differences, we both felt very attracted to each other. Our 15+ years together have been an incredible journey, and we’re really looking forward to what the next 15 will bring.
Stimulating Growth
I think the reason our relationship has worked so well is that Erin and I are really, really good for each other. She stimulates me to grow and change in ways no one else does, and I do the same for her.
When you enter a relationship with someone who’s very different than you, you’re likely to experience a lot of growth and change, assuming there’s a healthy underlying attraction. But when you’re in a relationship with someone who’s just like you, that relationship won’t stimulate nearly as much inner growth.
Erin opened me up to a world I didn’t even know existed. The first time we met, we spent two hours discussing lucid dreaming, mostly with me asking questions and her telling me about her experiences. Later she taught me about astral projection, something I was able to explore firsthand that same year.
Erin also helped me to get in touch with my heart, to learn to connect with human beings (not just machines), and to think about how I could help others instead of just myself.
Early in our relationship, I admitted to Erin that I really didn’t know how to love. Love was an alien concept to me. Her response was, “I will teach you.” There’s no way I’d have written hundreds of free articles to help people grow if not for Erin’s influence.
Similarly, when I first met Erin, she was working as a $9/hour secretary. The whole notion of deliberately setting and achieving goals was practically unknown to her. She was fun to be around, but it seemed doubtful that she’d really get anywhere in life on her own. Her biggest dreams were perpetually stuck in the fantasy stage. She lacked confidence and drive and became overly nervous if she was ever called on to perform in some fashion.
Just as Erin helped me open my heart and my intuition, I helped her get better at courage, confidence, and left-brained thinking. Looking back it’s pretty amazing how much she’s grown. Even her family has commented on how different she is now.
I encouraged Erin to write and to develop her various talents and skills. I pushed her to create an online business (which she later sold), to start a blog, to become a pro psychic medium, to join Toastmasters, to take Tae Kwon Do lessons, to go vegetarian and then vegan, to move to Las Vegas with me, to travel more, and to make lots of other positive changes.
Erin and I continue to be excited about our relationship because we can see how good we are for each other. We know that we couldn’t have achieved all these personal growth gains on our own. Every year we continue to enjoy positive changes that naturally arise from how we influence each other on a day-to-day basis.
Attraction
In recent years a great deal of material has been created to explain how to attract a relationship partner. Some of it is technique-based, while much of it encourages you to develop the inner qualities a potential partner would find attractive.
I do think this material can be helpful for many people, especially since a great deal of it overlaps with general principles of personal development.
However, a huge amount of relationship material is rooted in a mindset that I don’t agree with — that you must first change something about yourself in order to become worthy of attracting a really great relationship partner. This mindset pre-supposes that for whatever reason, you aren’t yet capable of attracting that partner in this particular moment. This is a tricky mindset. I won’t say it’s exactly wrong, but I think it’s missing the big picture.
Let me offer you an alternative way of thinking about attraction.
A while back I wrote an article called Self-Acceptance vs. Personal Growth, which is about how to make positive changes while at the same time accepting yourself just as you are. Don’t begin with the erroneous assumption that you’re somehow defective.
This is a good way to think about attraction as well. Attraction occurs very naturally. Instead of learning techniques and “inner game” to become attractive, I think it’s more accurate to say that we need to learn how to stop blocking attraction when it naturally arises. You are already attractive. You just need to realize that and stop blocking yourself from expressing your natural attractiveness.
How many animal species hold seminars to teach their members how to attract a mate? They don’t need anything like that because they don’t have our level of social conditioning that tells them they’re ugly and unattractive and need to be repaired before they’re worthy. They just drop for it in the bushes and then go back to foraging.
Natural Attraction
Instead of trying to diagnose what you need to change or fix about yourself in order to attract a desirable partner, look at it from the opposite perspective. What sort of people do you find naturally attractive?
I’m going to suggest that the people you find naturally attractive are the same people that can help stimulate massive positive changes within you. Even if it doesn’t logically seem like a great match, such partners can potentially be very good for you — not always, but quite often.
When Erin and I first met, we naturally attracted each other. We didn’t need to use tricks and techniques, and we didn’t need to develop our inner qualities either. We certainly weren’t masters of social dynamics, but it didn’t matter. We allowed the attraction to unfold naturally. And 15 years later, we’re still great matches for each other.
Now don’t get me wrong. I think there’s a lot of value to be gained from improving your social skills as well as doing things that make you feel more attractive, especially on the inside. But I would also suggest that entering in a new relationship with someone is one of the best ways to grow and improve.
Instead of thinking about what you should change about yourself in order to gain a relationship, think in the opposite direction. How might a new relationship help you create all those changes? A relationship isn’t an end goal. It’s yet another pathway to long-term growth.
We’re all imbalanced beings to one degree or another. That’s perfectly okay. Don’t think of your personality quirks as defects you must repair. Ironically those quirks may be exactly what someone else finds most attractive about you.
The nice thing about improving through a relationship (as opposed to improving for a relationship) is that you get to enjoy life with your very best personal coach at your side. Instead of growing to get the relationship, you experience growth because of the relationship.
What Attracts You?
What qualities do you find naturally attractive in others? See if you can push past the social conditioning about what is supposed to attract you, and get in touch with what really does attract you.
For example, I’m not usually attracted to women who are too similar to me personality-wise. I have many confident, left-brained women as friends, but I don’t feel drawn to take those relationships to a deeper level. Those qualities just don’t attract me in that way.
On the other hand, I’m naturally attracted to women like Erin who are opposite from me in many ways.
If you’re familiar with the Myers-Briggs personality types, I’m an ENTJ. Isabel Briggs Myers describes ENTJs as follows: “Frank, decisive, assume leadership readily. Quickly see illogical and inefficient procedures and policies… Enjoy long-term planning and goal setting. Usually well informed, well read, enjoy expanding their knowledge and passing it on to others. Forceful in presenting their ideas.” That sounds like me.
My opposite on this spectrum would be an ISFP, which is described this way: “Quiet, friendly, sensitive, and kind. Enjoy the present moment, what’s going on around them. Like to have their own space and to work within their own time frame. Loyal and committed to their values and to people who are important to them. Dislike disagreements and conflicts, do not force their opinions or values on others.”
When I read the description of ISFP, I also note that it’s a good description of the types of women I feel most naturally attracted to. Erin isn’t an ISFP, but she does have many ISFP qualities, especially sensitivity and loyalty. (When I asked Erin what type she was, she couldn’t recall, but I remember it wasn’t my exact opposite.)
Now if I were to make a list of what I think I desire in a relationship partner, I probably wouldn’t list the qualities of an ISFP or anything close to it. Instead I’d probably write down many of the qualities I already possess, in an attempt to find someone I’d consider highly compatible. However, when I notice how I actually feel about women who possess the qualities I think I want, I typically feel little or no spark of attraction. On the other hand, when I meet women who are ISFPs or close to it, my left-brain might assume they wouldn’t be a good match for me, but meanwhile my own body is signaling very strongly that I’m feeling an instinctual attraction.
This played out when Erin and I first met. Initially I wasn’t even thinking about her as a romantic partner. In my mind she wasn’t really my type. I was also dating someone else at the time.
But as Erin and I began spending time together, I couldn’t help but feel more and more attracted to her, not logically but biologically. I wasn’t even trying to get into a relationship with her. It just unfolded in a very easy, natural way as a result of that undeniable attraction. To this day I still feel a very strong attraction to her, even though my logical mind can continue to churn out reasons why she really isn’t my type.
I’ve seen this in other successful relationships too. Sometimes I look at a couple and wonder how they could possibly stand each other. Their personalities are so different. But those differences somehow complement each other, and their relationship makes them both happy and helps them grow tremendously.
I’m suggesting that instead of trying to hunt down and connect with someone who has qualities you think you want in a partner, come at this from the opposite direction. Begin to notice those people you feel naturally attracted to, even if you can’t explain why. Then start listing their qualities. And finally, review your list and ask yourself how someone with those qualities might actually be an incredible partner for you if you got together. Perhaps the reason you feel such an attraction in the first place is that those people possess qualities that will help you grow.
I can offer good reasons why women who are quiet, sensitive, loyal, and conflict-avoiding would be poor matches for me as relationship partners. I could spell out the reasons why I’d very much prefer to connect with strong-willed, independent, thick-skinned women. But that doesn’t change what I’m naturally attracted to. As David DeAngelo says, “Attraction is not a choice.”
Perhaps this is an area where we simply need to upgrade our logic. Maybe our biological circuitry is working just fine, but we aren’t seeing the big picture. We get too stuck in the social programming of what we’re taught to be attracted to instead of paying attention to the real human beings that we’re naturally attracted to. So instead of choosing partners that we actually want, we get caught up in judgments that cause us to rule them out.
“My parents won’t like him.”
“He’s too short and too bald.”
“She doesn’t have the same hobbies I do.”
“My friends would make fun of me if I went out with him.”
But what if there’s a reason we seem to be attracted to those people who, on the surface, appear to be wrong for us? Perhaps by mating with our opposites, we create a stronger family unit (even if it doesn’t take the form of a nuclear family). Instead of doubling up on talents and skills you already possess, wouldn’t it be better to enter a relationship with someone who brings something new to the table? Then you collectively cover a lot more bases that way.
This is how my relationship with Erin has played out. Because we’re so different, we each bring a wide variety of skills to the table, and our family is better off as a result. Our children also gain two different role models to learn from.
Recognizing natural attraction
Now here’s where things get interesting.
It’s been my experience that when I connect with women I’m naturally attracted to, I can often see clear evidence that the attraction is mutual, even if neither of us are willing to acknowledge that attraction openly. It’s as if there’s a magnetic field pulling us closer to each other. But when our logical minds notice what’s happening, there’s a tendency to resist and try to block it because we’ll reason, “No, this person isn’t my type, so I can’t be feeling attraction right now.”
I remember talking about one particular guy with Erin. I said to her, “You two are so much alike. He has all the qualities you say you admire in men. You must find him very attractive. If you wanted to hook up at some point, I certainly wouldn’t be surprised. I think you two would be great together.” But Erin said, “I know, but I just don’t feel it. I’m not attracted to him in that way at all.” At first I thought that was strange because this guy has many qualities that Erin has said she wished I possessed… and yet she feels no special attraction to him. She’s telling the truth. When I see them together, I can tell there’s no spark.
On the other hand, when Erin tells me which people she’s naturally attracted to, I sometimes laugh. “That guy? Really? How is that even possible?” But it’s equally clear that she’s telling the truth.
This works both ways. When I tell Erin about certain women I’m attracted to, she’ll sometimes be surprised. “Really? You like her?” she’ll say. Sometimes she’ll point out why such a person would be a bad match for me, and on a logical level, we’re always in agreement about that. Nevertheless, the attraction remains.
When we sense an attraction to someone, it’s so easy to deny how we feel. Our logical minds break through and explain why we’re facing a bad match. She’s overweight — no way. He’s too aggressive – not for me. If I go out with him/her, my friends will think I’m nuts.
The problem is that when we turn our backs on those feelings, we’re also turning our backs on truth. The feelings are there, so we might as well accept them, make peace with them, and seek to understand them.
Perhaps we should stop denying these natural attractions and see where they lead instead. Maybe it’s better to let go of our judgments and trust our feelings for a change.
Do you think other animals rule out potential mates by talking themselves out of the attraction they feel? Does a male gorilla stop himself, “I dunno. She seems kinda hairy. And she doesn’t have the right waist-hip ratio.”
Does the female gorilla say, “All that chest pounding and ripping up the grass… Who does he think he is anyway? My parents will never accept him, especially since he isn’t Jewish.”
I’ve spent 15 years with a woman I feel naturally attracted to. I often call her by the nickname ”Mate” because that’s how I naturally feel about her. I don’t have to reason why we’re together. It just feels naturally right to me. And so far it’s turned out amazingly well in terms of happiness, mutual growth, and a loving connection.
I can’t even imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone for logical reasons — where I convinced myself that it was a good match, but deep down I just didn’t feel that spark of attraction.
Creating attraction
I know it’s possible to create attraction. You can learn how to do things that will make another person feel attracted to you. There are lots of people teaching how to do that these days. But is this a wise idea?
In your gut don’t you sense there’s something not quite right about using tactics and techniques to cause someone to be attracted to you, someone who wouldn’t otherwise find you attractive?
I think the answer depends on the circumstances. Are you trying to hide the real you and to project a false image that people are attracted to? Or are you working to eliminate the blocks that prevent your real attractiveness from coming through?
I see wisdom in learning how to express ourselves more naturally and authentically. This can lead to relationships that are naturally good for us, that make us happy, and that help us grow. The attraction is genuine.
But projecting a false image is the wrong way to go. This leads to relationships rooted in falsehood, denial, and deception. The people we attract won’t be good matches for us, and we won’t enjoy the optimal growth that comes from finding a true mate.
Attraction and Truth, Love, and Power
Even though your attraction circuitry may seem to operate on a subconscious, biological level, it isn’t there to frustrate you or to derail you. It actually serves a greater purpose by helping you become more aligned with truth, love, and power.
First, attraction helps to align you with truth. Attraction teaches you to let go of falsehood and denial and to practice acceptance. Can you talk about your attractions openly, even if it means others might reject your preferences? Are you ashamed of those you find attractive? Or can you accept this part of yourself completely and without judgment?
Second, attraction helps you align with love. By exploring your attractions and attractiveness, you’ll learn to connect with what naturally makes you happy. This happiness will inspire all other areas of your life. You also have the opportunity to enjoy one or more loving relationships. And you will have the joyful experience of connecting with a partner who finds you naturally attractive just the way you are.
Third, attraction helps you align with power. A relationship rooted in attraction can serve as a pillar of tremendous strength and growth. You’ll learn to stand up for your preferences and to stop apologizing for wanting what you want.
When you rail against what naturally attracts you and try to enter a relationship for reasons other than attraction, you throw yourself out of alignment with truth (by practicing non-acceptance), with love (by disconnecting from your feelings), and with power (by settling for a weaker bond).
Attraction isn’t the only important factor when it comes to relationships. By all means, consider the logical aspects too. Just take note that a relationship rooted in mutual attraction lays a very strong foundation.
Do your best to be true to your feelings instead of trying to reason your way into something that doesn’t feel right to you. Listen to your body more than your social conditioning. If you find yourself in a relationship with someone that your body doesn’t respond to as your natural mate, admit that you made a mistake, and take steps to move on. If you deny your true desires, you’ll be robbing yourself as well as your partner of tremendous opportunities for love, growth, happiness, and yumminess.
There is no one person in the world you must find to become your perfect mate. The world is filled with suitable partners for you. But it will be hard to find and attract them if you lead with your logical mind. Let your body and your feelings guide you instead. You can always engage your logical mind after the fact to figure out how you got so damned lucky. :)
Is attraction something you have to create with another person? Or does it just happen automatically?
Have you ever made up a list of qualities your ideal mate should have, but when you finally met such a person, you realized there was no spark?
Opposites Attract
In many ways Erin and I are total opposites, but we find ourselves naturally attracted to each other. On a logical level, our relationship might seem like a mismatch, but in truth we are very close and very happy together.
Erin is very nurturing and motherly. In college she majored in psychology, partly so she could understand people better. She loves to encourage people and help them feel better about themselves. If our kids ever feel bad, she’s always there to cheer them up and help them solve their problems.
On the other hand, Erin has a much harder time with qualities like confidence and courage. Sometimes I’ve had to shove her out the door to try something new that would stretch her beyond her comfort zone. When people are mean to her, she is very hurt by it. She has a hard time dealing with unfairness and injustice because she can’t understand why anyone would choose to be cruel to anyone else.
Nurturing is not a quality I’d use to describe myself. Trying to be overly nurturing typically makes me nauseous. When other people get emotional around me, I’m more likely to roll my eyes until they get control of themselves. I’m all for abolishing the celebration of birthdays and holidays that include gift-giving because the whole practice seems so fluffy and lame to me.
My natural style involves pushing myself and others to grow. Confidence and courage are qualities that come easily to me, and I thrive on fresh challenges. I actually feel uncomfortable when I spend too much time in my comfort zone — it makes me itchy to try something new.
Erin is very right-brained and intuitive. She’s an extremely talented psychic medium and has been developing those skills since childhood. A lot of people are shocked by the stuff she’s able to pick up about them. She’s imaginative and creative and wrote her first novel in only 16 days. She can play piano by ear, a skill our daughter seems to have inherited.
Left-brained thinking is much harder for Erin. Helping our daughter with her third-grade math homework is sometimes a stretch for Erin. Erin does a lot of things I feel are borderline ADD like leaving lights on all over the house when there’s no one in those rooms or sometimes leaving cabinet doors and drawers open after she’s retrieved something from them. Often when I go to the kitchen after she’s been there, it looks like a small tornado swept through it. Sheldon Cooper would go kittywompus.
Right-brained thinking didn’t come naturally to me. It was something I really had to work hard to develop in my adult years. I thought that intuition was just woo-woo fluff. I found it much easier to understand computers than human beings. I considered most artist/musician types to be lazy, still-living-with-mommy-at-age-30 losers. I could only respect people who could think things through logically.
I am much more left-brained. In college I double-majored in computer science and math. I began learning computer programming at age 10 and was naturally good at it. I like to be very organized, and I have a low tolerance for disorder. If you’ve read my book, I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s highly structured and organized in a fluff-free manner. Left-brained people usually love it, while right-brained people are more likely to find it a little rigid for their tastes.
On some fundamental dimensions of personality, Erin and I are total opposites. She’s on one end of the spectrum, and I’m on the other end.
And yet despite these major differences, we both felt very attracted to each other. Our 15+ years together have been an incredible journey, and we’re really looking forward to what the next 15 will bring.
Stimulating Growth
I think the reason our relationship has worked so well is that Erin and I are really, really good for each other. She stimulates me to grow and change in ways no one else does, and I do the same for her.
When you enter a relationship with someone who’s very different than you, you’re likely to experience a lot of growth and change, assuming there’s a healthy underlying attraction. But when you’re in a relationship with someone who’s just like you, that relationship won’t stimulate nearly as much inner growth.
Erin opened me up to a world I didn’t even know existed. The first time we met, we spent two hours discussing lucid dreaming, mostly with me asking questions and her telling me about her experiences. Later she taught me about astral projection, something I was able to explore firsthand that same year.
Erin also helped me to get in touch with my heart, to learn to connect with human beings (not just machines), and to think about how I could help others instead of just myself.
Early in our relationship, I admitted to Erin that I really didn’t know how to love. Love was an alien concept to me. Her response was, “I will teach you.” There’s no way I’d have written hundreds of free articles to help people grow if not for Erin’s influence.
Similarly, when I first met Erin, she was working as a $9/hour secretary. The whole notion of deliberately setting and achieving goals was practically unknown to her. She was fun to be around, but it seemed doubtful that she’d really get anywhere in life on her own. Her biggest dreams were perpetually stuck in the fantasy stage. She lacked confidence and drive and became overly nervous if she was ever called on to perform in some fashion.
Just as Erin helped me open my heart and my intuition, I helped her get better at courage, confidence, and left-brained thinking. Looking back it’s pretty amazing how much she’s grown. Even her family has commented on how different she is now.
I encouraged Erin to write and to develop her various talents and skills. I pushed her to create an online business (which she later sold), to start a blog, to become a pro psychic medium, to join Toastmasters, to take Tae Kwon Do lessons, to go vegetarian and then vegan, to move to Las Vegas with me, to travel more, and to make lots of other positive changes.
Erin and I continue to be excited about our relationship because we can see how good we are for each other. We know that we couldn’t have achieved all these personal growth gains on our own. Every year we continue to enjoy positive changes that naturally arise from how we influence each other on a day-to-day basis.
Attraction
In recent years a great deal of material has been created to explain how to attract a relationship partner. Some of it is technique-based, while much of it encourages you to develop the inner qualities a potential partner would find attractive.
I do think this material can be helpful for many people, especially since a great deal of it overlaps with general principles of personal development.
However, a huge amount of relationship material is rooted in a mindset that I don’t agree with — that you must first change something about yourself in order to become worthy of attracting a really great relationship partner. This mindset pre-supposes that for whatever reason, you aren’t yet capable of attracting that partner in this particular moment. This is a tricky mindset. I won’t say it’s exactly wrong, but I think it’s missing the big picture.
Let me offer you an alternative way of thinking about attraction.
A while back I wrote an article called Self-Acceptance vs. Personal Growth, which is about how to make positive changes while at the same time accepting yourself just as you are. Don’t begin with the erroneous assumption that you’re somehow defective.
This is a good way to think about attraction as well. Attraction occurs very naturally. Instead of learning techniques and “inner game” to become attractive, I think it’s more accurate to say that we need to learn how to stop blocking attraction when it naturally arises. You are already attractive. You just need to realize that and stop blocking yourself from expressing your natural attractiveness.
How many animal species hold seminars to teach their members how to attract a mate? They don’t need anything like that because they don’t have our level of social conditioning that tells them they’re ugly and unattractive and need to be repaired before they’re worthy. They just drop for it in the bushes and then go back to foraging.
Natural Attraction
Instead of trying to diagnose what you need to change or fix about yourself in order to attract a desirable partner, look at it from the opposite perspective. What sort of people do you find naturally attractive?
I’m going to suggest that the people you find naturally attractive are the same people that can help stimulate massive positive changes within you. Even if it doesn’t logically seem like a great match, such partners can potentially be very good for you — not always, but quite often.
When Erin and I first met, we naturally attracted each other. We didn’t need to use tricks and techniques, and we didn’t need to develop our inner qualities either. We certainly weren’t masters of social dynamics, but it didn’t matter. We allowed the attraction to unfold naturally. And 15 years later, we’re still great matches for each other.
Now don’t get me wrong. I think there’s a lot of value to be gained from improving your social skills as well as doing things that make you feel more attractive, especially on the inside. But I would also suggest that entering in a new relationship with someone is one of the best ways to grow and improve.
Instead of thinking about what you should change about yourself in order to gain a relationship, think in the opposite direction. How might a new relationship help you create all those changes? A relationship isn’t an end goal. It’s yet another pathway to long-term growth.
We’re all imbalanced beings to one degree or another. That’s perfectly okay. Don’t think of your personality quirks as defects you must repair. Ironically those quirks may be exactly what someone else finds most attractive about you.
The nice thing about improving through a relationship (as opposed to improving for a relationship) is that you get to enjoy life with your very best personal coach at your side. Instead of growing to get the relationship, you experience growth because of the relationship.
What Attracts You?
What qualities do you find naturally attractive in others? See if you can push past the social conditioning about what is supposed to attract you, and get in touch with what really does attract you.
For example, I’m not usually attracted to women who are too similar to me personality-wise. I have many confident, left-brained women as friends, but I don’t feel drawn to take those relationships to a deeper level. Those qualities just don’t attract me in that way.
On the other hand, I’m naturally attracted to women like Erin who are opposite from me in many ways.
If you’re familiar with the Myers-Briggs personality types, I’m an ENTJ. Isabel Briggs Myers describes ENTJs as follows: “Frank, decisive, assume leadership readily. Quickly see illogical and inefficient procedures and policies… Enjoy long-term planning and goal setting. Usually well informed, well read, enjoy expanding their knowledge and passing it on to others. Forceful in presenting their ideas.” That sounds like me.
My opposite on this spectrum would be an ISFP, which is described this way: “Quiet, friendly, sensitive, and kind. Enjoy the present moment, what’s going on around them. Like to have their own space and to work within their own time frame. Loyal and committed to their values and to people who are important to them. Dislike disagreements and conflicts, do not force their opinions or values on others.”
When I read the description of ISFP, I also note that it’s a good description of the types of women I feel most naturally attracted to. Erin isn’t an ISFP, but she does have many ISFP qualities, especially sensitivity and loyalty. (When I asked Erin what type she was, she couldn’t recall, but I remember it wasn’t my exact opposite.)
Now if I were to make a list of what I think I desire in a relationship partner, I probably wouldn’t list the qualities of an ISFP or anything close to it. Instead I’d probably write down many of the qualities I already possess, in an attempt to find someone I’d consider highly compatible. However, when I notice how I actually feel about women who possess the qualities I think I want, I typically feel little or no spark of attraction. On the other hand, when I meet women who are ISFPs or close to it, my left-brain might assume they wouldn’t be a good match for me, but meanwhile my own body is signaling very strongly that I’m feeling an instinctual attraction.
This played out when Erin and I first met. Initially I wasn’t even thinking about her as a romantic partner. In my mind she wasn’t really my type. I was also dating someone else at the time.
But as Erin and I began spending time together, I couldn’t help but feel more and more attracted to her, not logically but biologically. I wasn’t even trying to get into a relationship with her. It just unfolded in a very easy, natural way as a result of that undeniable attraction. To this day I still feel a very strong attraction to her, even though my logical mind can continue to churn out reasons why she really isn’t my type.
I’ve seen this in other successful relationships too. Sometimes I look at a couple and wonder how they could possibly stand each other. Their personalities are so different. But those differences somehow complement each other, and their relationship makes them both happy and helps them grow tremendously.
I’m suggesting that instead of trying to hunt down and connect with someone who has qualities you think you want in a partner, come at this from the opposite direction. Begin to notice those people you feel naturally attracted to, even if you can’t explain why. Then start listing their qualities. And finally, review your list and ask yourself how someone with those qualities might actually be an incredible partner for you if you got together. Perhaps the reason you feel such an attraction in the first place is that those people possess qualities that will help you grow.
I can offer good reasons why women who are quiet, sensitive, loyal, and conflict-avoiding would be poor matches for me as relationship partners. I could spell out the reasons why I’d very much prefer to connect with strong-willed, independent, thick-skinned women. But that doesn’t change what I’m naturally attracted to. As David DeAngelo says, “Attraction is not a choice.”
Perhaps this is an area where we simply need to upgrade our logic. Maybe our biological circuitry is working just fine, but we aren’t seeing the big picture. We get too stuck in the social programming of what we’re taught to be attracted to instead of paying attention to the real human beings that we’re naturally attracted to. So instead of choosing partners that we actually want, we get caught up in judgments that cause us to rule them out.
“My parents won’t like him.”
“He’s too short and too bald.”
“She doesn’t have the same hobbies I do.”
“My friends would make fun of me if I went out with him.”
But what if there’s a reason we seem to be attracted to those people who, on the surface, appear to be wrong for us? Perhaps by mating with our opposites, we create a stronger family unit (even if it doesn’t take the form of a nuclear family). Instead of doubling up on talents and skills you already possess, wouldn’t it be better to enter a relationship with someone who brings something new to the table? Then you collectively cover a lot more bases that way.
This is how my relationship with Erin has played out. Because we’re so different, we each bring a wide variety of skills to the table, and our family is better off as a result. Our children also gain two different role models to learn from.
Recognizing natural attraction
Now here’s where things get interesting.
It’s been my experience that when I connect with women I’m naturally attracted to, I can often see clear evidence that the attraction is mutual, even if neither of us are willing to acknowledge that attraction openly. It’s as if there’s a magnetic field pulling us closer to each other. But when our logical minds notice what’s happening, there’s a tendency to resist and try to block it because we’ll reason, “No, this person isn’t my type, so I can’t be feeling attraction right now.”
I remember talking about one particular guy with Erin. I said to her, “You two are so much alike. He has all the qualities you say you admire in men. You must find him very attractive. If you wanted to hook up at some point, I certainly wouldn’t be surprised. I think you two would be great together.” But Erin said, “I know, but I just don’t feel it. I’m not attracted to him in that way at all.” At first I thought that was strange because this guy has many qualities that Erin has said she wished I possessed… and yet she feels no special attraction to him. She’s telling the truth. When I see them together, I can tell there’s no spark.
On the other hand, when Erin tells me which people she’s naturally attracted to, I sometimes laugh. “That guy? Really? How is that even possible?” But it’s equally clear that she’s telling the truth.
This works both ways. When I tell Erin about certain women I’m attracted to, she’ll sometimes be surprised. “Really? You like her?” she’ll say. Sometimes she’ll point out why such a person would be a bad match for me, and on a logical level, we’re always in agreement about that. Nevertheless, the attraction remains.
When we sense an attraction to someone, it’s so easy to deny how we feel. Our logical minds break through and explain why we’re facing a bad match. She’s overweight — no way. He’s too aggressive – not for me. If I go out with him/her, my friends will think I’m nuts.
The problem is that when we turn our backs on those feelings, we’re also turning our backs on truth. The feelings are there, so we might as well accept them, make peace with them, and seek to understand them.
Perhaps we should stop denying these natural attractions and see where they lead instead. Maybe it’s better to let go of our judgments and trust our feelings for a change.
Do you think other animals rule out potential mates by talking themselves out of the attraction they feel? Does a male gorilla stop himself, “I dunno. She seems kinda hairy. And she doesn’t have the right waist-hip ratio.”
Does the female gorilla say, “All that chest pounding and ripping up the grass… Who does he think he is anyway? My parents will never accept him, especially since he isn’t Jewish.”
I’ve spent 15 years with a woman I feel naturally attracted to. I often call her by the nickname ”Mate” because that’s how I naturally feel about her. I don’t have to reason why we’re together. It just feels naturally right to me. And so far it’s turned out amazingly well in terms of happiness, mutual growth, and a loving connection.
I can’t even imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone for logical reasons — where I convinced myself that it was a good match, but deep down I just didn’t feel that spark of attraction.
Creating attraction
I know it’s possible to create attraction. You can learn how to do things that will make another person feel attracted to you. There are lots of people teaching how to do that these days. But is this a wise idea?
In your gut don’t you sense there’s something not quite right about using tactics and techniques to cause someone to be attracted to you, someone who wouldn’t otherwise find you attractive?
I think the answer depends on the circumstances. Are you trying to hide the real you and to project a false image that people are attracted to? Or are you working to eliminate the blocks that prevent your real attractiveness from coming through?
I see wisdom in learning how to express ourselves more naturally and authentically. This can lead to relationships that are naturally good for us, that make us happy, and that help us grow. The attraction is genuine.
But projecting a false image is the wrong way to go. This leads to relationships rooted in falsehood, denial, and deception. The people we attract won’t be good matches for us, and we won’t enjoy the optimal growth that comes from finding a true mate.
Attraction and Truth, Love, and Power
Even though your attraction circuitry may seem to operate on a subconscious, biological level, it isn’t there to frustrate you or to derail you. It actually serves a greater purpose by helping you become more aligned with truth, love, and power.
First, attraction helps to align you with truth. Attraction teaches you to let go of falsehood and denial and to practice acceptance. Can you talk about your attractions openly, even if it means others might reject your preferences? Are you ashamed of those you find attractive? Or can you accept this part of yourself completely and without judgment?
Second, attraction helps you align with love. By exploring your attractions and attractiveness, you’ll learn to connect with what naturally makes you happy. This happiness will inspire all other areas of your life. You also have the opportunity to enjoy one or more loving relationships. And you will have the joyful experience of connecting with a partner who finds you naturally attractive just the way you are.
Third, attraction helps you align with power. A relationship rooted in attraction can serve as a pillar of tremendous strength and growth. You’ll learn to stand up for your preferences and to stop apologizing for wanting what you want.
When you rail against what naturally attracts you and try to enter a relationship for reasons other than attraction, you throw yourself out of alignment with truth (by practicing non-acceptance), with love (by disconnecting from your feelings), and with power (by settling for a weaker bond).
Attraction isn’t the only important factor when it comes to relationships. By all means, consider the logical aspects too. Just take note that a relationship rooted in mutual attraction lays a very strong foundation.
Do your best to be true to your feelings instead of trying to reason your way into something that doesn’t feel right to you. Listen to your body more than your social conditioning. If you find yourself in a relationship with someone that your body doesn’t respond to as your natural mate, admit that you made a mistake, and take steps to move on. If you deny your true desires, you’ll be robbing yourself as well as your partner of tremendous opportunities for love, growth, happiness, and yumminess.
There is no one person in the world you must find to become your perfect mate. The world is filled with suitable partners for you. But it will be hard to find and attract them if you lead with your logical mind. Let your body and your feelings guide you instead. You can always engage your logical mind after the fact to figure out how you got so damned lucky. :)
Abuse of POWER
Do you ever mistakenly use your own power against yourself? Instead of focusing your creative energies to fulfill your desires, do you channel those energies into negative thoughts, feelings, and visualizations? If so then you’re succumbing to an abuse of your own power.
Here are some common patterns that involve using your power against yourself as well as suggestions for how to stop yourself and make corrective adjustments.
Complaining
When you complain, you’re using your power to reinforce and magnify whatever you’re complaining about. Why on earth would you want to feed more energy into something you don’t want?
The more you complain, the more you’ll continue to attract and create similar negative circumstances, and the more you’ll have to complain about. Once you step onto the treadmill of complaining, it’s hard to step off again.
How do you feel about people who complain to you about their lives? Do you empathize with them? Do you feel pity for them? What if they keep it up year after year? Don’t you sometimes feel like shaking them and shouting, “For God’s sakes would you please stop all the frakkin whining? I just can’t take it anymore! Try taking some responsibility for your life. Quit whining and go do something about your problems. Stop playing the victim role – it’s not who you’re supposed to be.”
Okay, so maybe you don’t say that to their face, but deep down that is sometimes how you feel, isn’t it?
Actually you’d be lucky if that was how you felt. A more common reaction is to not even recognize complaining for what it is. Making negative comments about our own lives has become so ubiquitous that you may not even notice it when it happens. Complaining has become an acceptable, “normal” part of human interaction. However, the truth is that complaining is an enormously disempowering trap. Learn to recognize it as a disease, and treat it aggressively when you encounter it, especially if you notice it’s coming from you.
Have you ever seen a complainer finish complaining? Imagine a complainer saying, “Well, that’s it! I finally finished complaining! I now have nothing left to whine about, so I guess I can go be happy now.” Of course they never actually finish. All they do is run themselves in circles, pouring more energy into the perpetuation of unhappiness.
Instead of complaining, do the opposite. Talk about what’s good in your life. If you have problems to deal with, then talk about possible solutions. Stay focused on what you want, not on what you don’t want.
If you’ve been a complainer for a while, you’ve probably surrounded yourself with a posse of energy vampires who feed off your negative energy. If that’s the case, you’re going to repel those people when you start shifting to become more positive. Trust me — they will likely freak out and won’t be able to handle it. Just allow that to happen. In fact, go make it happen if you can. If a parting of ways needs to happen, let it happen. You’ll be much better off.
When you talk about what’s good in your life and about solutions and opportunities instead of problems and obstacles, you’ll attract different people who can handle the new you – people who will play back at you with positive stories of their own. Then you can encourage the heck out of each other. These people are typically allergic to complainers, so if you complain a lot, you will naturally repel them, and they’ll want nothing to do with you.
If you can’t seem to make and keep high-caliber, positive friends, is it possible you’re repelling them by being too whiny? You can’t hide the way you use your power. If you empower your weakness instead of embracing your greatness, other people can quickly sense that.
When you encounter a chain complainer, don’t feed their addiction by rewarding their whining with attention or pity. Instead, try raising their awareness of what they’re doing to themselves. You might say, “I’d prefer not to relate to you on the basis of complaining. That isn’t going to serve either of us. Can we talk about what’s good in your life instead?”
Then you should probably duck.
People will sometimes freak out when you violate social conventions like this, but you’ll be doing them a favor in the long run. They may have to hear it a number of different times from different sources, but at least you’ll play a part in helping them kick the habit if they ever choose to do so. Better to shed some truth on their abuse of power than let it go unchecked and perpetuate their denial.
Self-doubt
Doubting yourself or feeling sorry for yourself is another way to abuse your power. Now you’re taking your power and using it to weaken yourself. That’s like being a god who says, “Let me be powerless.”
You’re a naturally creative being. It makes no sense to turn your creative energies into self-destruction.
If you doubt yourself, it’s not because you’re inherently defective. It’s not because you’re a screw up. It’s because you haven’t yet learned how to use your power to create certainty.
Certainty isn’t something you detect. It’s not something you’ll discover through analysis. Certainty is a feeling that you create for yourself.
Certainty is when you say to the universe, “Here’s what I want. Now let’s make it so.”
Self-doubt is when you say to the universe, “Here’s what I want. Or wait… maybe I want this instead. No… maybe I don’t want either of those things. I guess I’m just not sure.”
If that sounds really dumb, that’s because it is dumb.
Stop being so wishy washy. Stop reciting stupid affirmations like, “I just don’t know what to do.” Who taught you to do that anyway? Someone who was an even more egregious self-doubter?
“I don’t know what to do” is not an observation. It’s an act of creation. Obviously you won’t know what to do if you’re using your power to perpetuate a state of self-doubt. Whenever you proclaim that you don’t know what to do, you’re creating your own state of perpetual uncertainty.
To move beyond self-doubt, start doing the opposite. Use your power to create certainty instead of self-doubt. Begin saying to yourself, “I know what to do. I ABSOLUTELY know what to do.” Say it like you mean it.
Never say, “I don’t know what to do” to yourself or anyone else. It only makes you weak. Plus it’s just dumb.
If you can’t handle, “I know what to do,” then start with, “I’m now gaining clarity about what to do.” Use your power to reorient yourself in the direction of clarity. Never affirm “I don’t know what to do” unless you really want to create a state of perpetual uncertainty.
It’s foolish to act like a victim of your own uncertainty when you’re the one who’s creating it in the first place.
If you want certainty, you must create it. You won’t find it out there in the world. The world is waiting on you. If you abuse your power to create self-doubt, then you’ll be even more confused when you look to the external world for answers. All it will do is reflect back what you’ve created.
Please be warned that if you ever say “I don’t know what to do” in my presence, I will smack you – hard. Trust me — this will help you gain clarity. At the very least, it will encourage you to come up with a better idea than being smacked again. My way’s not very sportsmanlike, but it can be quite effective.
Seriously, the next time you catch yourself saying, thinking, or believing, “I don’t know what to do,” give yourself a good hard smack across the face. This will help you connect that whining about your uncertainty is a form of self-abuse. If you don’t like smacking yourself in the face, then stop using your power to beat yourself down.
Fezzik, jog his memory.
Cowardice
When you use your power to feed your fears instead of your desires, you succumb to cowardice.
Think of it this way — whatever you feed with your energy will expand. If you want your fears to grow and expand in your reality, then by all means keep feeding them. Give them even more of your precious attention. Think about your fears and worries often. Hang out with other people who are also good at worrying. Avoid anyone who faces up to their fears or who’d nudge you to do the same.
Maybe there’s a part of you that knows deep down that courage is an essential quality you must develop sooner or later if you ever wish to live as a mature, conscious human being.
Courage can be defined as the willingness to face your fears. But what happens when you finally face one of your fears? The feeling of fear essentially dissolves because now you’re focused on creating a result other than fear. You may feel a sense of exhilaration and determination as the fear leaves you.
Another way of defining courage is to say that courage is the willingness to empower your desires instead of your fears.
You generate fear when you send energy to what you don’t want — by thinking about it, dwelling on it, imagining it, etc.
You generate courage when you send energy to what you do want, in much the same way. Gradually you feel more and more motivated to take action. The more you use your power to generate a feeling of courage, the closer you are to making your desires real.
Whenever you catch yourself feeding your fears, stop and remind yourself that this is a serious abuse of your power. Then reclaim that energy by imagining yourself drawing it back into you. Finally, use your power correctly by imagining what you really want, and send all that energy into those thoughts, images, and feelings instead.
Spend time hanging out with the bravest people you can find. When you will hang out with them, you’ll see that they refuse to feed their fears. They spend much more time feeding their desires instead. They’ve learned how to use their power to create more drive and passion instead of cowardice and fear-based thinking.
Arguing
Arguing with other people is another way to abuse your power. Arguing is trying to make someone else wrong and yourself right at the same time. This is an easy trap to fall into, but it doesn’t serve you.
Making an effort to persuade someone to see things from another perspective is okay. So is spirited debate. In those situations you’re trying to understand the other person’s point of view and to encourage them to understand yours as well. There’s nothing wrong with that at all.
Arguing happens when you take this a step too far, trying to invalidate the other person’s point of view entirely — to make them wrong for seeing reality as they do. This is an abuse of power.
The problem with trying to make someone else wrong is that once again you’re using your power against itself. Your power is creative, not uncreative. When you argue with someone, you’re trying to uncreate their point of view, which can’t be done. You cannot invalidate a perspective.
Instead of arguing, think in terms of acceptance and consequences. First, accept the other person’s point of view as valid for them. Then decide what the consequence of that realization will be. Maybe the consequences are negligible. Maybe it means the best solution is for you to each go your separate ways. Or maybe the best outcome is somewhere in between.
Usually we run into a pattern of arguing when we resist the consequences of acceptance. So we push too hard to force the other person to give in, and that simply doesn’t work. Even if the other person seems to go along, their consent will only be superficial. As the saying goes, “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”
When you catch yourself arguing, where you’re trying too hard to make yourself right and the other person wrong, just stop. Drop the disempowering frame of winning vs. losing. Then shift yourself into the frame of acceptance and consequences. Accept the other person’s point of view completely. You may be convinced it’s the wrong way to see things, but it is what it is. Permit that person the freedom to choose their preferred perspective. Next, ask yourself what the consequences of accepting the other person’s point of view will be. And finally, go ahead and implement those consequences if it’s necessary for you to do so.
Sometimes when I catch myself getting into an argument with someone and realize just how pointless it is, I will up and quit right in the middle of the argument. Defending my point of view simply isn’t a good use of my power. Instead of continuing to fuss over who’s right and who’s wrong, I shift over to acceptance and consequences. Even if I think the person is totally out of sync with reality for believing what they do, I accept that it’s their choice to hold that perspective. Then I ask myself, “Based on this acceptance, what do I need to do about this?” Most of the time it just means dropping the argument and letting it go, in which case the other person will have to decide what they want to do about my loss of interest in continuing to argue. A week later I probably won’t even remember it.
Don’t pour your time and energy into arguing. Use your power to create something more positive instead. Again, participating in a healthy debate is fine, but once you recognize that it’s degraded into arguing, it’s time to bow out and move on.
Asking permission
Asking permission is a tricky problem because it can be hard to notice. Many people don’t realize they’re doing it and define such behavior as normal.
When you ask permission to create what you want, you’re projecting your power onto someone else. You’re diminishing your authority as a creative being and thereby weakening yourself.
It’s fine to negotiate with others to help you get what you want. But if you desire to creating something new in your reality, don’t ask permission to want it.
When I was a teenager, sometimes my Mom would question me about my plans as I was about to walk out the door. Of course as a typical rebellious teen, I didn’t feel I needed anyone’s permission to live my life as I saw fit. So when she started questioning me, I would sometimes say, “Just take note of what I’m wearing, so you can identify the body later.” Then I stepped out the door.
Yes, that’s a pretty ornery thing to say to one’s Mom, but it helped me step away from asking permission and to assume more authority (i.e. authorship) over my own life. I realized that just because someone was questioning my behavior didn’t mean I had to justify myself to them. I could simply implement my decisions and accept the consequences of others’ reactions.
It’s amazing how many people yield control of their life’s direction to someone else. When you talk to such people, it’s blatantly obvious that they aren’t in command. They’re still responsible for a starship, but they act like lowly ensigns. Then when the ship crashes, they look for someone to blame.
The sad thing is that many times no one in particular is in command. They just let themselves get bounced around by the currents of social conditioning.
What about going with the flow? That’s fine if you’re a water molecule… not so good if you’re a human being.
Going with the flow only works if you’re the one generating the flow in the first place. Use your energy to set a clear course, and then let your actions flow with your intentions. But don’t use going with the flow as an excuse to be wimpy, powerless, and irresponsible.
Don’t ask permission to live your life. Give yourself full permission to want what you want. Once again think in terms of acceptance and consequences. If someone else has an issue with your decisions, let the issues be theirs to worry about.
When you inform people of new decisions you’ve made, sometimes they’re going to react negatively. Get used to it. Another person’s resistance doesn’t mean that you’ve made a mistake.
I have little choice but to apply the model of acceptance and consequences because doing any less would be totally impractical for me. For example, if I tell people my next article will be about productivity, some people will say, “Yay — I’ve been hoping you’d write more about that.” And other people will exclaim, “No, dammit! Go back to writing about polarity.” It doesn’t matter what the topic is. Some people will embrace it; others will resist it.
If you can see the folly in trying to seek permission from a large and diverse audience where it’s impossible to get everyone to agree on the simplest things, can you also see the folly in seeking permission from people on an individual basis?
Do you fall into the trap of asking your spouse or significant other for permission on how YOU should live your life? Even if you’re in a relationship or have a family, don’t you think you should be free to decide what you’re going to eat, what career path you’ll pursue, and what types of people you’ll hang out with?
Let the other person think in terms of acceptance and consequences as well. If they don’t like what you’re into, they’re always free to dump you and move on. By all means make such decisions carefully and with a reasonable grasp of what the consequences may be. But at the end of the day, you must make your choices and allow other to make theirs. Don’t submit your choices for approval by someone else. You’ll end up with a rather disappointing life if you do so.
Asking permission is really just a cop-out anyway. It’s nothing but an excuse to hold back.
Suppose you tell me that you really want to quit your unfulfilling job and start your own business, but your wife won’t let you. What am I supposed to say to that?
“Oh, well… that’s totally understandable then. If your wife won’t let you… hmmm, that’s rough… what can you do? I guess you’ll have to learn to like your job. I’m sure she’s worth it.”
Yeah, right.
I’d probably say instead, “Whoa… did you just feel that? That wave of vibrational energy? What would you call that? Sheer cowardice perhaps? What’s this nonsense about asking your wife for permission? What’re you 12 years old or something? Just tell her you’ve decided to start your own business and then go do it. If she goes kittywompus over it, let her. Inform her that you’re moving forward with your plan and that you’d appreciate her support, but that if she can’t handle it, she’s free to dump you and go be with someone she can control instead.”
Your wife (or husband or significant other) isn’t the problem. The problem is you. You’re bringing out their resistance because they can sense your weakness, your lack of resolve. And because they can see that you’re weak, they don’t trust you. They’re right not to trust you. I wouldn’t trust you either.
When you give off the hint that you’re asking permission, people will jump on it. They’ll give you plenty of reasons why you can’t get what you want. If you start seeking their permission, you’re giving away your power.
Use your power to feed your desires and decisions, not the objections raised by others.
It’s not a bad thing to ask for feedback from people, but do that to strengthen your own decisions, not to seek approval.
I often post about my decisions on my blog because I want people to try to poke holes in them. I want people to test me and challenge me. I’m not asking their permission because my decision is already made, and I’m simply informing them of it. But I still want them to take their best shots to see if they can say something that might derail me from my course. This helps me refine my decisions, and it also strengthens my power. It’s similar to doing resistance training at the gym to boost the definition and strength of your muscles.
Blaming
Blaming other people, events, or circumstances for your lot in life is pointless. By denying responsibility for the life you’re creating, you only use your power to weaken yourself.
As the saying goes, “With great power comes great responsibility.” So what happens if you turn off the responsibility? Off goes the power switch as well. You wind up helpless.
You can’t wield power over your reality and deny responsibility for your creations at the same time. You must be both powerful and responsible — or neither.
Don’t blame. Practice acceptance and forgiveness instead. Accept what you have to deal with, and focus on channeling your energies in a creative way.
You are always creating. You cannot help it. Your nature is to be a creative being. By choosing different thoughts and actions, you could create a very different life for yourself in a matter of days. That option is always available to you. No one is stopping you or holding you back. You can only hold yourself back.
Realize that whatever life you’re living, you are creating it — right now in this moment. If you don’t like what you’re experiencing, then resolve to create something else. Begin to create that new reality immediately. Realize that no one is coming to rescue you. It’s entirely up to you to make your life what you want it to be.
I had to learn this lesson while sitting in jail when I was 19. I could have found plenty of people to blame for putting me there. But instead I chose to take responsibility for what I created. I finally saw the foolishness of it all. I realized that everything that happened up to that point was the result of what I was doing to myself. In that moment I decided to create a very different life for myself. Was it easy? Heck no. But at least it got me using my power to create what I wanted instead of blindly following a path I didn’t really want.
Are you now finding yourself in some sort of jail cell that you’re still denying? Is it a dead-end job? A bad relationship situation? An unhealthy lifestyle? A lack of purpose and inspiration? A lack of joy in your life? Whatever it is that you don’t like about your life, that’s the jail cell you’ve created for yourself as a result of denying your power. When will you be ready to reclaim your power to make your life the way you truly want it to be? Life is waiting on your answer, always listening, always hoping.
As a creative being, you’re going to have some screw-ups. Forgive yourself completely. Accept your mistakes and learn from them. This is a lot more intelligent than resisting or denying them.
Creativity is not perfection. If you were perfect, there’d be no need to create or experience anything. Your creative power gives you the opportunity to grow and change. Take advantage of it!
Own your power!
This is by no means an exhaustive list. There are still more ways to abuse your power. These just happen to be some of the most common.
Stop giving away your power — to other people, to your fears, to anything you don’t want. Use your power positively and creatively. Channel the tremendous energy inside of you to manifest your desires.
It can be difficult to catch yourself abusing your power, especially when the negative behaviors are habitual. One thing you can do is use the highly effective 30-day trial method. Take on one bad “abuse of power” habit, and commit to using your power only positively in that area for 30 days straight. Simply do the opposite of what you’ve been doing. If you screw up, start again at day 1 until you make it the full 30 days.
Don’t whine. Don’t weaken yourself. Don’t wimp out. Don’t argue. Don’t ask permission. And don’t blame. Decide what you want to create and then pour your heart and soul into creating it. Get in touch with that powerful creative being inside you, and let it shine!
Otherwise, start smacking away until you get it.
Here are some common patterns that involve using your power against yourself as well as suggestions for how to stop yourself and make corrective adjustments.
Complaining
When you complain, you’re using your power to reinforce and magnify whatever you’re complaining about. Why on earth would you want to feed more energy into something you don’t want?
The more you complain, the more you’ll continue to attract and create similar negative circumstances, and the more you’ll have to complain about. Once you step onto the treadmill of complaining, it’s hard to step off again.
How do you feel about people who complain to you about their lives? Do you empathize with them? Do you feel pity for them? What if they keep it up year after year? Don’t you sometimes feel like shaking them and shouting, “For God’s sakes would you please stop all the frakkin whining? I just can’t take it anymore! Try taking some responsibility for your life. Quit whining and go do something about your problems. Stop playing the victim role – it’s not who you’re supposed to be.”
Okay, so maybe you don’t say that to their face, but deep down that is sometimes how you feel, isn’t it?
Actually you’d be lucky if that was how you felt. A more common reaction is to not even recognize complaining for what it is. Making negative comments about our own lives has become so ubiquitous that you may not even notice it when it happens. Complaining has become an acceptable, “normal” part of human interaction. However, the truth is that complaining is an enormously disempowering trap. Learn to recognize it as a disease, and treat it aggressively when you encounter it, especially if you notice it’s coming from you.
Have you ever seen a complainer finish complaining? Imagine a complainer saying, “Well, that’s it! I finally finished complaining! I now have nothing left to whine about, so I guess I can go be happy now.” Of course they never actually finish. All they do is run themselves in circles, pouring more energy into the perpetuation of unhappiness.
Instead of complaining, do the opposite. Talk about what’s good in your life. If you have problems to deal with, then talk about possible solutions. Stay focused on what you want, not on what you don’t want.
If you’ve been a complainer for a while, you’ve probably surrounded yourself with a posse of energy vampires who feed off your negative energy. If that’s the case, you’re going to repel those people when you start shifting to become more positive. Trust me — they will likely freak out and won’t be able to handle it. Just allow that to happen. In fact, go make it happen if you can. If a parting of ways needs to happen, let it happen. You’ll be much better off.
When you talk about what’s good in your life and about solutions and opportunities instead of problems and obstacles, you’ll attract different people who can handle the new you – people who will play back at you with positive stories of their own. Then you can encourage the heck out of each other. These people are typically allergic to complainers, so if you complain a lot, you will naturally repel them, and they’ll want nothing to do with you.
If you can’t seem to make and keep high-caliber, positive friends, is it possible you’re repelling them by being too whiny? You can’t hide the way you use your power. If you empower your weakness instead of embracing your greatness, other people can quickly sense that.
When you encounter a chain complainer, don’t feed their addiction by rewarding their whining with attention or pity. Instead, try raising their awareness of what they’re doing to themselves. You might say, “I’d prefer not to relate to you on the basis of complaining. That isn’t going to serve either of us. Can we talk about what’s good in your life instead?”
Then you should probably duck.
People will sometimes freak out when you violate social conventions like this, but you’ll be doing them a favor in the long run. They may have to hear it a number of different times from different sources, but at least you’ll play a part in helping them kick the habit if they ever choose to do so. Better to shed some truth on their abuse of power than let it go unchecked and perpetuate their denial.
Self-doubt
Doubting yourself or feeling sorry for yourself is another way to abuse your power. Now you’re taking your power and using it to weaken yourself. That’s like being a god who says, “Let me be powerless.”
You’re a naturally creative being. It makes no sense to turn your creative energies into self-destruction.
If you doubt yourself, it’s not because you’re inherently defective. It’s not because you’re a screw up. It’s because you haven’t yet learned how to use your power to create certainty.
Certainty isn’t something you detect. It’s not something you’ll discover through analysis. Certainty is a feeling that you create for yourself.
Certainty is when you say to the universe, “Here’s what I want. Now let’s make it so.”
Self-doubt is when you say to the universe, “Here’s what I want. Or wait… maybe I want this instead. No… maybe I don’t want either of those things. I guess I’m just not sure.”
If that sounds really dumb, that’s because it is dumb.
Stop being so wishy washy. Stop reciting stupid affirmations like, “I just don’t know what to do.” Who taught you to do that anyway? Someone who was an even more egregious self-doubter?
“I don’t know what to do” is not an observation. It’s an act of creation. Obviously you won’t know what to do if you’re using your power to perpetuate a state of self-doubt. Whenever you proclaim that you don’t know what to do, you’re creating your own state of perpetual uncertainty.
To move beyond self-doubt, start doing the opposite. Use your power to create certainty instead of self-doubt. Begin saying to yourself, “I know what to do. I ABSOLUTELY know what to do.” Say it like you mean it.
Never say, “I don’t know what to do” to yourself or anyone else. It only makes you weak. Plus it’s just dumb.
If you can’t handle, “I know what to do,” then start with, “I’m now gaining clarity about what to do.” Use your power to reorient yourself in the direction of clarity. Never affirm “I don’t know what to do” unless you really want to create a state of perpetual uncertainty.
It’s foolish to act like a victim of your own uncertainty when you’re the one who’s creating it in the first place.
If you want certainty, you must create it. You won’t find it out there in the world. The world is waiting on you. If you abuse your power to create self-doubt, then you’ll be even more confused when you look to the external world for answers. All it will do is reflect back what you’ve created.
Please be warned that if you ever say “I don’t know what to do” in my presence, I will smack you – hard. Trust me — this will help you gain clarity. At the very least, it will encourage you to come up with a better idea than being smacked again. My way’s not very sportsmanlike, but it can be quite effective.
Seriously, the next time you catch yourself saying, thinking, or believing, “I don’t know what to do,” give yourself a good hard smack across the face. This will help you connect that whining about your uncertainty is a form of self-abuse. If you don’t like smacking yourself in the face, then stop using your power to beat yourself down.
Fezzik, jog his memory.
Cowardice
When you use your power to feed your fears instead of your desires, you succumb to cowardice.
Think of it this way — whatever you feed with your energy will expand. If you want your fears to grow and expand in your reality, then by all means keep feeding them. Give them even more of your precious attention. Think about your fears and worries often. Hang out with other people who are also good at worrying. Avoid anyone who faces up to their fears or who’d nudge you to do the same.
Maybe there’s a part of you that knows deep down that courage is an essential quality you must develop sooner or later if you ever wish to live as a mature, conscious human being.
Courage can be defined as the willingness to face your fears. But what happens when you finally face one of your fears? The feeling of fear essentially dissolves because now you’re focused on creating a result other than fear. You may feel a sense of exhilaration and determination as the fear leaves you.
Another way of defining courage is to say that courage is the willingness to empower your desires instead of your fears.
You generate fear when you send energy to what you don’t want — by thinking about it, dwelling on it, imagining it, etc.
You generate courage when you send energy to what you do want, in much the same way. Gradually you feel more and more motivated to take action. The more you use your power to generate a feeling of courage, the closer you are to making your desires real.
Whenever you catch yourself feeding your fears, stop and remind yourself that this is a serious abuse of your power. Then reclaim that energy by imagining yourself drawing it back into you. Finally, use your power correctly by imagining what you really want, and send all that energy into those thoughts, images, and feelings instead.
Spend time hanging out with the bravest people you can find. When you will hang out with them, you’ll see that they refuse to feed their fears. They spend much more time feeding their desires instead. They’ve learned how to use their power to create more drive and passion instead of cowardice and fear-based thinking.
Arguing
Arguing with other people is another way to abuse your power. Arguing is trying to make someone else wrong and yourself right at the same time. This is an easy trap to fall into, but it doesn’t serve you.
Making an effort to persuade someone to see things from another perspective is okay. So is spirited debate. In those situations you’re trying to understand the other person’s point of view and to encourage them to understand yours as well. There’s nothing wrong with that at all.
Arguing happens when you take this a step too far, trying to invalidate the other person’s point of view entirely — to make them wrong for seeing reality as they do. This is an abuse of power.
The problem with trying to make someone else wrong is that once again you’re using your power against itself. Your power is creative, not uncreative. When you argue with someone, you’re trying to uncreate their point of view, which can’t be done. You cannot invalidate a perspective.
Instead of arguing, think in terms of acceptance and consequences. First, accept the other person’s point of view as valid for them. Then decide what the consequence of that realization will be. Maybe the consequences are negligible. Maybe it means the best solution is for you to each go your separate ways. Or maybe the best outcome is somewhere in between.
Usually we run into a pattern of arguing when we resist the consequences of acceptance. So we push too hard to force the other person to give in, and that simply doesn’t work. Even if the other person seems to go along, their consent will only be superficial. As the saying goes, “A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.”
When you catch yourself arguing, where you’re trying too hard to make yourself right and the other person wrong, just stop. Drop the disempowering frame of winning vs. losing. Then shift yourself into the frame of acceptance and consequences. Accept the other person’s point of view completely. You may be convinced it’s the wrong way to see things, but it is what it is. Permit that person the freedom to choose their preferred perspective. Next, ask yourself what the consequences of accepting the other person’s point of view will be. And finally, go ahead and implement those consequences if it’s necessary for you to do so.
Sometimes when I catch myself getting into an argument with someone and realize just how pointless it is, I will up and quit right in the middle of the argument. Defending my point of view simply isn’t a good use of my power. Instead of continuing to fuss over who’s right and who’s wrong, I shift over to acceptance and consequences. Even if I think the person is totally out of sync with reality for believing what they do, I accept that it’s their choice to hold that perspective. Then I ask myself, “Based on this acceptance, what do I need to do about this?” Most of the time it just means dropping the argument and letting it go, in which case the other person will have to decide what they want to do about my loss of interest in continuing to argue. A week later I probably won’t even remember it.
Don’t pour your time and energy into arguing. Use your power to create something more positive instead. Again, participating in a healthy debate is fine, but once you recognize that it’s degraded into arguing, it’s time to bow out and move on.
Asking permission
Asking permission is a tricky problem because it can be hard to notice. Many people don’t realize they’re doing it and define such behavior as normal.
When you ask permission to create what you want, you’re projecting your power onto someone else. You’re diminishing your authority as a creative being and thereby weakening yourself.
It’s fine to negotiate with others to help you get what you want. But if you desire to creating something new in your reality, don’t ask permission to want it.
When I was a teenager, sometimes my Mom would question me about my plans as I was about to walk out the door. Of course as a typical rebellious teen, I didn’t feel I needed anyone’s permission to live my life as I saw fit. So when she started questioning me, I would sometimes say, “Just take note of what I’m wearing, so you can identify the body later.” Then I stepped out the door.
Yes, that’s a pretty ornery thing to say to one’s Mom, but it helped me step away from asking permission and to assume more authority (i.e. authorship) over my own life. I realized that just because someone was questioning my behavior didn’t mean I had to justify myself to them. I could simply implement my decisions and accept the consequences of others’ reactions.
It’s amazing how many people yield control of their life’s direction to someone else. When you talk to such people, it’s blatantly obvious that they aren’t in command. They’re still responsible for a starship, but they act like lowly ensigns. Then when the ship crashes, they look for someone to blame.
The sad thing is that many times no one in particular is in command. They just let themselves get bounced around by the currents of social conditioning.
What about going with the flow? That’s fine if you’re a water molecule… not so good if you’re a human being.
Going with the flow only works if you’re the one generating the flow in the first place. Use your energy to set a clear course, and then let your actions flow with your intentions. But don’t use going with the flow as an excuse to be wimpy, powerless, and irresponsible.
Don’t ask permission to live your life. Give yourself full permission to want what you want. Once again think in terms of acceptance and consequences. If someone else has an issue with your decisions, let the issues be theirs to worry about.
When you inform people of new decisions you’ve made, sometimes they’re going to react negatively. Get used to it. Another person’s resistance doesn’t mean that you’ve made a mistake.
I have little choice but to apply the model of acceptance and consequences because doing any less would be totally impractical for me. For example, if I tell people my next article will be about productivity, some people will say, “Yay — I’ve been hoping you’d write more about that.” And other people will exclaim, “No, dammit! Go back to writing about polarity.” It doesn’t matter what the topic is. Some people will embrace it; others will resist it.
If you can see the folly in trying to seek permission from a large and diverse audience where it’s impossible to get everyone to agree on the simplest things, can you also see the folly in seeking permission from people on an individual basis?
Do you fall into the trap of asking your spouse or significant other for permission on how YOU should live your life? Even if you’re in a relationship or have a family, don’t you think you should be free to decide what you’re going to eat, what career path you’ll pursue, and what types of people you’ll hang out with?
Let the other person think in terms of acceptance and consequences as well. If they don’t like what you’re into, they’re always free to dump you and move on. By all means make such decisions carefully and with a reasonable grasp of what the consequences may be. But at the end of the day, you must make your choices and allow other to make theirs. Don’t submit your choices for approval by someone else. You’ll end up with a rather disappointing life if you do so.
Asking permission is really just a cop-out anyway. It’s nothing but an excuse to hold back.
Suppose you tell me that you really want to quit your unfulfilling job and start your own business, but your wife won’t let you. What am I supposed to say to that?
“Oh, well… that’s totally understandable then. If your wife won’t let you… hmmm, that’s rough… what can you do? I guess you’ll have to learn to like your job. I’m sure she’s worth it.”
Yeah, right.
I’d probably say instead, “Whoa… did you just feel that? That wave of vibrational energy? What would you call that? Sheer cowardice perhaps? What’s this nonsense about asking your wife for permission? What’re you 12 years old or something? Just tell her you’ve decided to start your own business and then go do it. If she goes kittywompus over it, let her. Inform her that you’re moving forward with your plan and that you’d appreciate her support, but that if she can’t handle it, she’s free to dump you and go be with someone she can control instead.”
Your wife (or husband or significant other) isn’t the problem. The problem is you. You’re bringing out their resistance because they can sense your weakness, your lack of resolve. And because they can see that you’re weak, they don’t trust you. They’re right not to trust you. I wouldn’t trust you either.
When you give off the hint that you’re asking permission, people will jump on it. They’ll give you plenty of reasons why you can’t get what you want. If you start seeking their permission, you’re giving away your power.
Use your power to feed your desires and decisions, not the objections raised by others.
It’s not a bad thing to ask for feedback from people, but do that to strengthen your own decisions, not to seek approval.
I often post about my decisions on my blog because I want people to try to poke holes in them. I want people to test me and challenge me. I’m not asking their permission because my decision is already made, and I’m simply informing them of it. But I still want them to take their best shots to see if they can say something that might derail me from my course. This helps me refine my decisions, and it also strengthens my power. It’s similar to doing resistance training at the gym to boost the definition and strength of your muscles.
Blaming
Blaming other people, events, or circumstances for your lot in life is pointless. By denying responsibility for the life you’re creating, you only use your power to weaken yourself.
As the saying goes, “With great power comes great responsibility.” So what happens if you turn off the responsibility? Off goes the power switch as well. You wind up helpless.
You can’t wield power over your reality and deny responsibility for your creations at the same time. You must be both powerful and responsible — or neither.
Don’t blame. Practice acceptance and forgiveness instead. Accept what you have to deal with, and focus on channeling your energies in a creative way.
You are always creating. You cannot help it. Your nature is to be a creative being. By choosing different thoughts and actions, you could create a very different life for yourself in a matter of days. That option is always available to you. No one is stopping you or holding you back. You can only hold yourself back.
Realize that whatever life you’re living, you are creating it — right now in this moment. If you don’t like what you’re experiencing, then resolve to create something else. Begin to create that new reality immediately. Realize that no one is coming to rescue you. It’s entirely up to you to make your life what you want it to be.
I had to learn this lesson while sitting in jail when I was 19. I could have found plenty of people to blame for putting me there. But instead I chose to take responsibility for what I created. I finally saw the foolishness of it all. I realized that everything that happened up to that point was the result of what I was doing to myself. In that moment I decided to create a very different life for myself. Was it easy? Heck no. But at least it got me using my power to create what I wanted instead of blindly following a path I didn’t really want.
Are you now finding yourself in some sort of jail cell that you’re still denying? Is it a dead-end job? A bad relationship situation? An unhealthy lifestyle? A lack of purpose and inspiration? A lack of joy in your life? Whatever it is that you don’t like about your life, that’s the jail cell you’ve created for yourself as a result of denying your power. When will you be ready to reclaim your power to make your life the way you truly want it to be? Life is waiting on your answer, always listening, always hoping.
As a creative being, you’re going to have some screw-ups. Forgive yourself completely. Accept your mistakes and learn from them. This is a lot more intelligent than resisting or denying them.
Creativity is not perfection. If you were perfect, there’d be no need to create or experience anything. Your creative power gives you the opportunity to grow and change. Take advantage of it!
Own your power!
This is by no means an exhaustive list. There are still more ways to abuse your power. These just happen to be some of the most common.
Stop giving away your power — to other people, to your fears, to anything you don’t want. Use your power positively and creatively. Channel the tremendous energy inside of you to manifest your desires.
It can be difficult to catch yourself abusing your power, especially when the negative behaviors are habitual. One thing you can do is use the highly effective 30-day trial method. Take on one bad “abuse of power” habit, and commit to using your power only positively in that area for 30 days straight. Simply do the opposite of what you’ve been doing. If you screw up, start again at day 1 until you make it the full 30 days.
Don’t whine. Don’t weaken yourself. Don’t wimp out. Don’t argue. Don’t ask permission. And don’t blame. Decide what you want to create and then pour your heart and soul into creating it. Get in touch with that powerful creative being inside you, and let it shine!
Otherwise, start smacking away until you get it.
Friday, June 12, 2009
June 8 th - June 14 th, 2009
Your domestic situation comes up for review this week, so be prepared to make some changes. If you are open to the possibilities that someone now suggests, you can transcend recent problems. You could also start to see a certain issue in a positive new light. It seems that others are prepared to help you. All you have to do is ask, so do not let your pride prevent you from being frank this time around. Don't hesitate to voice your opinions and suggestions. Intense emotions promote high minded projects Monday, look for backers. This week holds new opportunities where you had only dreamed possible. Allow your higher self to make choices with confidence. You will need positive thinking to make projects come to conclusion at the work place, don't dally
June 10, 2009
Schedule some time today to play with friends. You are going through some big changes now, and you need to take regular breaks. Put them in your appointment book and take them as seriously as a meeting or interview.
~ Various are the roads to fame.
June 11, 2009
You combine knowledge and intuition with powerful results now. By taking your time, and by removing external influences while you go over the material, you come up with some brilliant and innovative conclusions. Travel brings even more in the way of success, but it won`t be easy.
~ Truth are bitter and not everybody can shallow it.
Your domestic situation comes up for review this week, so be prepared to make some changes. If you are open to the possibilities that someone now suggests, you can transcend recent problems. You could also start to see a certain issue in a positive new light. It seems that others are prepared to help you. All you have to do is ask, so do not let your pride prevent you from being frank this time around. Don't hesitate to voice your opinions and suggestions. Intense emotions promote high minded projects Monday, look for backers. This week holds new opportunities where you had only dreamed possible. Allow your higher self to make choices with confidence. You will need positive thinking to make projects come to conclusion at the work place, don't dally
June 10, 2009
Schedule some time today to play with friends. You are going through some big changes now, and you need to take regular breaks. Put them in your appointment book and take them as seriously as a meeting or interview.
~ Various are the roads to fame.
June 11, 2009
You combine knowledge and intuition with powerful results now. By taking your time, and by removing external influences while you go over the material, you come up with some brilliant and innovative conclusions. Travel brings even more in the way of success, but it won`t be easy.
~ Truth are bitter and not everybody can shallow it.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
March 5, 2009
March 5, 2009
Forgive and forget. Move on. Go for the whole package. Don’t hold back. Remember that you can have what you want, just be sure what it is.
~ Every seller praises his wares.
March 6, 2009
You should keep feelings out in the open. Avoid ambiguities. Level with each other. Stay objective – feelings are valuable but explosive. Give up climes.
Forgive and forget. Move on. Go for the whole package. Don’t hold back. Remember that you can have what you want, just be sure what it is.
~ Every seller praises his wares.
March 6, 2009
You should keep feelings out in the open. Avoid ambiguities. Level with each other. Stay objective – feelings are valuable but explosive. Give up climes.
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