RedAsh's Blog

Hi Mum,

Tonight marks the end of 2008, so that last post for 2008.

I had started another new phrase of life and experience with SCDF, beginning from 29th Dec 2008, and possibly ending on 10th Jan 2009; or if all goes well, on June 2010.

Many reasons I was asked, why I got myself acquinted with SCDF,
1> for the money to keep rolling in
2> to call it quits with SAF

But for the BIGGEST reason, is because I wanna be NOT (the old) me. THE me where all live problems source from the monitor, and solved through the same channel.
I am losing the sense of reality, and this is a problem that I had identified. I need to understand society better. I have to stop begin a nerd, revolving around sci-fic and mythology.

The simpliest way to describe it, I need something to "wake up" my fucking idea; as least those ideas which are still sleeping in me...

SPF rejected me, for my "superior" eyesight; there do exist something where the bigger number does not means better. And also thanks to that nonchalant senior police officer who are totally uninterested in simple pickpocket cases.

Anyway, here I am, in SCDF Mum. Some of my fucking idea had been awoken:
1> Expectation of 0530 waking
2> Sense of Duty
3> Sense of Discipline

Although no all had been awoken yet, but I will dig into myself and search for them, inorder "to be a Better Man". All with the 34,000 SGD at stake...

I finally felt the sense of urgency that I had not felt for a LOONNNGGG time... the type where 15 mins meant something HUGE...

A guy by the name of "Far East", he initiated a little conversation at the bus stop, that developed into a lengthy conversation. Also, there is this guy, same age as me, but a father of 1, by the name of Khairy. He helped me to open the path to some others, into his group.

Anyway, it helps as it opened up my circle. I followed them to their little "break" but being mentally tired, I felt asleep in the MRT; there is this white indian lady wearing a revealing dress that practically shows half of her breast, short of her nipples... Oh WTH... and her BF is an SCDF regular too.

Whatever the case is, I cannot handle people, and maybe why I was into IT. And I am set to break this barrier that is holding me down.

Mum, I do have doubts about my designation of begin a Sect Commander.
The thoughts of having to handle others people lifes gives me the shuddlers.
How do one knows if one is ready to be a Fireman?
How do one knows if one is ready to be a Sect Commander?
What qualitities MUST be in place?

Questions without answer, but only for now Mum. Give me Strength. And not forgetting, Happy New Year Mum. =)

Morning Mum, this morning is refreshing for me...

I woke up collected and calm. After some thought, I realised that I have been rushing through important things, such as exercising and studying, I am focus on getting them done, rather than learning and benefitting from them.

It seems to me that I am aiming to get more free time to play online games. It looks like I need to reverse my mental application.

Taking long deep breaths, I realise that I should be calm, cool, collected; and with that I was capable of focusing my mind better... and my brain felt cooler... felt like it is filled with oxygen.

Another thing I notice is that when I daydream, my eyes looked down, and my brain got "waxed" in the center of my forehead, resulting in irritation and wanting to rush thing through... something that I experienced back when I deprive myself of sugar... weird...

One more thing, a crow (I assume since it is a big black bird and I wasnt really waken) flies through my bedroom window, and I discovered that its wings actually commands ALOT of strength, in that it creates a very, VERY strong gust of wind, for I experienced a gust similar to a cooling breeze to my face.

If such force is to be applied to a human, it can definitely cracked bones. However, birds, as I know, has hollowed bones, as such should they applied such force to another object, they will do harm to themselves instead...

This taught me something, as much as there may be potential, in this law of nature, it only serves a unique purpose. Abuse it, misapplied it will only do you harm. Never try to be "funny" and do some heroic act ~ if I am the crow that is... haha

It reminds me mum,
"WINNERS DONT DO DIFFERENT THINGS, THEY DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY."

Mum, I will try to collect myself from now on. Slow but steady, clam and collected, in my endeavour for REAL Really Important things that matter. And try to rush through VIRTUAL matter instead... for all the time I spent on gaming, should be re-invested into MATTERS THAT REALLY MATTER.

Bless me mum, so far I can only experience it all in the morning, lossing my concentration and patience in the noon, and all of it by evening... Looks like I am getting on age... 3 years more to 30... haha, time is really running out for me...

ADDED:

Mum, today I went out to KTV session with Kai and 2 of his friends, BingYu and Robert. Former is his poly the latter secondary friends.

The only reward for today is the discovery of "ting mama de hua" by Jay Chou...
An ear opening experience...

"
Ting ma ma de hua
~ Listen to mother’s words,

bie rang ta shou shang
~ don’t let her get hurt.

xiang kuai kuai zhang
~ You want to grow up quickly

da cai neng bao hu ta
~ so you can take care of her

Mei li de bai fa
~ Beautiful white hair,

xing fu zhong fa ya
~ growing inside happiness.

tian shi de mo fa
~ Angelic magic

wen nuan zhong ci xiang
~ benevolence within (her) gentleness
"

I wonder what will be now if you are still around mum... my life is falling apart faster than I thought, I have no aim other than aimlessly massing money...

Mum, thank you for today's experience... unforgettable sweet reminder, to push myself to work hard...

Wow Mum,

Today, dad arranged to meet Ricky and Gek Tiang at the house.

Good thing I am in and had a row with Ricky. He pulled my shirt, first time ever did I failed to even react even though I was talking to dad.

I called the police as Ricky suggest and while waiting, had some more quarrels. I even flash out the old documents of dad's ... and they are pretty speechless. Then of course, they start to get all aggressive. Somehow, whenever I took down my glasses, and raise my voice (hey mum, my voice is louder than Ricky's), they retreated...

Funny thing is, Ricky claimed that I never call him back in 2001, while I remember clearly that the first thing he told me over the phone is that, "Why did you call me!" And he also claimed that no one else has his number... not even MeeMee or SiuMuay. Whatever bullshit he had, it is interesting to experience such aggressiveness first hand, it made my mind reactive pretty fast, haha

Anyway, one thing that Ricky agitated me is that "Why are you not working?" My response come with "Cuz I am a full time trader." and Ricky retreated... looks like he had done some trading himself as he seems to know the handsome return the market is potentially possible of.

Still it bulleyed me mum, I am kinda pissed off too. Greatly, and it spur me why I should really get on my heels, this is a good wake up call. I need to prove myself to too many pple.

Still the most surprising thing learnt today, is that dad lectured me and said he will move out. Whatever the shit is, the philosophy of "Theres no eternal enemy as theres no eternal friend" come to fruitation today, with dad's
"its doesnt matter what they did in the past, it is what can be done now that matters!"

Looks like dad has his own plan up his own sleeves... anyway, since dad is so adamant, I had to open the door, so that dad can talk with them elsewhere; hey he arranged the meeting.

Wow, mum, suddenly my lazy mind all woke up again, time to prove myself and yes... most importantly... stop giving me excuse and wasting the little time that I had...

Thanks mum for today's encounter, for this had feed me and lead me to another level I had never thought of before...