RedAsh's Blog

Today is my 3rd day at work. It was a huge project, and I am lucky to be involved in this process. Although I was not entirely involved, I had participated in the prepartory and execution phrase of the new system.

It was a smoothing day and I had travelled and explored to many of the more confidential part of the system supporting the stability and efficiency of Singapore. All was well till I was shown to a small room full of security cameras. I shall not reveal much here but onto the staff working on the desk are of PhD certification (well, at least 2 of them are). I was like OMG as they appeared to be someone of middle working class.

Anyway, all went well till the very last where we are to tackle on RBD terminals. There are a single verification phrase that cannot be done since it requires approval from the top to issue the certification key, but that "top" is absent from his office, his computer (if only he is also top in using VPN). In the end, the entire lot of us waited (wasted more rather) for nearly 2 hours for the approval and the verification code - since the system is to go online by tomorrow (the server will be up then).

Since it been a long time since I had proper social exposure, I feel I had difficulty in expressing myself and there are lots of body language. Anyway, I feel I need to develop a habit to properly conduct myself in front of others. Yes thats right.

Somehow this temp helpdesk had been a great experience, and in the process, also trigger my inspiration for my current uni project work.

In this world,
To do all and do it well can only be done as God,
As human, to do what one is good at is the way to excel.

Mum, please bless me with the will to carry on; I seem to know what I am good with and is now trying to prove that to myself and others what I am good at.

Working day 1

For 2 sleepless nights, I been recalling... it all begins with 2nd Gugu, I leave the army to find her with a soul so broken... broken beyond repair... she had suffered too much injustice and stomached so much anger and misery, that it was on my wishful thinking that it is still mendable...

I am burning, Mum and I have no intention to qwell...

Jeffrey, my cousin, is going "bald" today... and the "truth" is also revealed today. It also realised my greatest fear and worst nightmare...

I am devastated Mum... there is no turning back now...

There is a good distraction tonight, a phone call from my 2nd Aunt.

She shelled some light for me in the process, some truth and reality in the working reality. She pinpointed one of my major weakness and strength, my over-zealous keen sense of trying new things out and looking for better alternatives.

She told me that while its good, the timing should be right. I had helped 2nd Aunt in her work once. JUST once.

What happened then was that she told me of her approach, but I know that it is inefficient and I tried to figure things out. Many mistakes were made in the process.

2nd Aunt told me that this had turned her off, including any other employers. They want the productivity. She did mentioned that from her observation since I am young, I tend to do things slowly in the start, but I will keep picking up speed and I usually end up much faster. The direct opposite of Ken; who starts up fast but fails to pick up more speed along the way and ended up behind the race. The same thing my late mum had told to me and Ken when we are much much younger...

She suggested to me that I should do the stuff in the company/empoyer's approach, during the official working hours. But I should used my personal hours then to seek out better alternatives.

This advice come like a sudden blow to my head producing many sparks. A simple answer to an issue I never though to be problem since my childhood days. I have had always consider this to be my characteristic, but never realised the proper application of it to the working society environment.

I thanked my aunt for her constructive criticism. Mum, sometimes life can be interesting. While (social) life is all about advancing and progressing, a short and simple backtrack to forgotten memories can be rewarding too.

Another day come, marking the end of another day.

Other than the usual house duties, some body maintainence, and sending resume. Somehow I realised that life, my life, has come to a standstill. Time is still moving but my time has stopped. Somehow, for the first time in so many years, I feel so insignificant, and lost. I lied down to ponder what to do in my life in the future days ahead.

It seems to me that I, (not just me, but MANY other people) has been repeating the same thing of yesterday, over and over just to sustain the "balence". Even with goals setted, the moment of achieving the goals, only manage to let me feel a short sense of satisfaction, yet let me deals with the long sense of emptiness... I am lost... very lost indeed...

Time is truely a unique thing, I pondered about it more and more. What seems to be so significant, failures, success, achievements, problems NOW, will cease to be what it is as time pass... things keep changing... But is it the "time" or is it the human nature itself?

I only know "time" is merely a term designed by human for tracking and quantification measurement - timeline. Its presence or existance is hard to justify.

From time to time, life can be so still, so stiff, so suffocating... yet there will always be events, always people-driven, to break this form in one way or another. It can a tragic happening to your love ones, or it can be just a simple phone call from a sales personnel. These and all will always successfully create enough distraction, enough to shift the attention away from the stillness and stiffness reality of life.

Somehow this is leads to doubts as to the purpose of continual of survival....

What am I thinking?!? It seems to me I am only wasting my life, my precious time. Wasting as in not making good use or returns of my time. Time to continue to compete in the "Rat Race" creating. maintaining and sustaining social presense and value. Time to once again flip through my university guidebooks...

2nd Aunt said "once your brother can deliver to your future husband in a complete form, he had fulfilled his responsibility.

Half Cup full? Or Half Cup Empty. If it is empty, one should make effort to ensure its is as full as possible.

"I Not Stupid". I am not

2nd Aunt's patience is also running out... its only a week. Now she understands how much I endured and suppressed my anger for 1 year plus...

Girls' Home, Rehab Centre seems to be the only valid solution for Karen's delinquent behaviours now Mum.

I decided to try to finish whatever food left in our house, before buying more stuffs. Some of them been there for weeks. The day is simple enough, some tidying and cleaning stuffs to do and the night is reached.

The night has something special going on. For a start, I boiled a pot of chicken soup. Some light soya sause, sugar and a spinkle of salt, finishing with a bottle of chicken essence (my late mum's special). It tastes great, even my dad is full of praises for it.

Grandma called me much later that she had brewed some tonic soup and asked me to went to her flat to have some. I reached there and had some fried springs rolls. The ingredients are worth mentioning. Minced fishes, prawns and diced chestnut. Dried fried to the finest crunchy gold. Coupled along with bowl of tonic soup, is what I say some of the best supper I can ask for.

Interestingly, I received an unexpected phone call from my 2nd Aunt. She was looking for Grandma regarding Karen's project work conducting at our home tomorrow.

Grandma wakes up early, and I woke up with her. She is always worrying about our cousin, Jeffrey Ng; for he is the only "male" descendent of Ng, and he is a hardcore gamer like I used to be in the past - where everything are secondary (he is madly engrossed in Maple Story, and ironically, I am the one to introduce that game to him after he is too engaged in another game call Dota). Jeffrey likes to be with Ken, and he has had been that way since we are kids. For they are only a year apart (merely months in fact) in age.

Grandma, taught me some cultary skills with her Soya saused Chicken. It triggers a distant fond memory of Mum's Soya Sauced Steamed Pork - my all time favourite dish.

Its been a day where I am brought closer to my house. I still have another 13 days to truely familiarise with this house I been living in for the past 7 years. Its been so long since I have hands on with house chore, the last was to moving in from my 2nd Gugu at Serangoon, and the previous was with my late mum at Yishun.

Somehow, the day starts off rather ablatantly and everything, seems to be in total mess. A chaotic state where I dun even know where to start off. Other than the usual preparing father for his day away at his "still-making-a-loss" workshop, I was literately imprisoned in this flat, with the computer being the only gateway out of this confinement.

THAT is the thinking I had before my mind is clear. After a warm breakfast and a thorough wash up, a simple scan across the house and I realised that there are untold stuffs to be done and awaiting for me to initiate. Stuffs that I, and many others, would lazily cast aside for "another day" usually.

But NOT today, for this is the reality. For me this is a pre-testiment of the possible life style I will be leading in the future. I spent the whole afternoon doing the housechores. Sweeping the floor.

WHAT A HASSLE. That my first thinking and I have only taken an eye on the broom, and the next thing that appears in my mind is to return to my bed for a nap. Funnily, I quickly discard that idea and quickly proceed to pick up the broom. Somehow I feel fine with the broom in my hand than in my mind.

A simple sweep up and I mindlessly proceed to tidy up my desk and my books. In a flash, I had done many things that I thought would have taken several more hours to complete. Then I scout around the kitchen and spot some seafood, prawns and fish, in the fridge. Just the perfect dinner.

I thaw the prawns and remove the head, intestines and the shell and wash it before arranging them nicely on a clean plate and return them to the fridge. Ready for steaming. For the fish, I had some other plans for it.

When dad returned home, I steam the prawns, and meanwhile, I ask dad to prepare the fish - he always claims what a great cook he is when he is younger. I feign ignorance despite I had pick up the necessity from observing my late mum - She is indeed a fantastic cook.

He did something unique, he placed those ginger slices on the underneath of the fish instead of on top of it. While on the top, he slot ginger slices into the cutted groove of the fish, and apply a layer of soya sauce and some pepper. It turned out nicely. The fish tastes great.

A surprise visitor arrived today, (or more accurately, tonight) is Grandma (mum's mother). She heard from my cousin that our maid had left and our life are in a mess, and therefore she turned up with some cooking in fear that we may be having only bread and biscuits for dinner. This is why I respect her alot, despite her old age, she is still aware and MORE importantly, WILLING to care through actions. The same reason why I worship my late mother.

Without a doubt, she was pleasantly surprised that I was able to whip up some decent dishes. After I had cleaned up the kitchen, we went to the nearby neightbourhood "fitness corner", which is some sort of gym factilites.

In the mid of night, it is intriguting for us to do the exercises together, talk about lifes, the past, present and tomorrow. The feeling is unique and special. This, which I tried and have been hoping to do with Karen, but failed, for she always has her mind on other things.

Somewhere in me, I hope that you are still with us Mum, then we can do this once in a while. It would be a beautiful thing in life to do things together with your treasured ones. Mum, although you are always in my heart, I hope to create and retain more fond memories with you.

May, our maid, is returning to her hometown for 2 weeks after 2 years of services. Time for some hands-on and back to hard cold reality.

All isnt much of an issue except father, (my late mum had taught me well in the ways of home responsibilities) for there he cannot be totally independent since his stroke.

Funny thing here is that initially, our Xiao gugu, Meemee, planned for us to send father back to our 2nd gugu's house to be taken care of for the following 2 weeks, since it is also nearer to father's workshop at Sing Meng Road. She refused since expenses are unclaimable now. Enough said.

Today, Ken, Jeffrey (my cousin), my dad and I went out to Ken's ex elder sister lens and frames shop in Marina Square. I was keen after Ken mentioned of $7 frame, so was Jeffrey. As usual, the higher the expectation the greater the disappointment. What I see in the shop are all branded frames, Gucci etc, all hundreds and up. I drop the idea of making another additional pair of specs for myself. Jeffrey did go ahead with 2 specs, using unbranded frames.

Then we dine at "Carl Jr" for Ken recommended their Beef Chilli Cheese Fries and I had a "Super Star" double patties burger. The chicken and beef patties are very similar to Burger King but twice as expensive. Somehow, I prefer BK's Big Whopper (it is much more manageable). But, the Beef Cheese Fries is much superior to KFC's Cheese Fries.

We then head to the IT fair at Suntec City and we returned home with Ken's ex elder sister. 2nd Aunt called for me and mentioned to me about Karen's progress. She told me Karen told her boyfriend to not to call 2nd Aunt's house anymore for 2nd Aunt's husband (is much as conservative as me) and dislike such activities. So all seems well... yes "SEEMS" to be well... for I know Karen too well. Karen is always like this, she promised a nice decent picture but can never deliver the actual stuffs. At most, she will show u the inital work but never consistent. I warned 2nd Aunt of this, and she told me to give Karen a chance to prove herself... haiz... I HAD given her so many... so many chances... ah well, what the problem with another...

Another interesting issue is that she also told me Karen is doing project with her friends, and she suggested KAren to do it at our house. (ALL ALONG, I been asking Karen to invite her friends (and any of her boyfriends) to home for ALL project works, but she had never complies... cos they hardly spent more than 30 minutes on the REAL work...)

Whatever the case, 2nd Aunt told me that Karen will be fetching her friends, 4 of them, at Bedok MRT station... and she told me she had instructed Karen not to wander around with her friends... This is a TESTAMENT, yes... a testament... to show if Karen is willing to change... for the better... or not... She had to prove it through her own actions, the actual "deliverables"...

Somehow I had no more expectations from Karen, I only told 2nd Aunt and myself that all will go well tomorrow... for it will be Karen's undoing herself... actions speaks more than words... In the past, I would be planning all the rewards and the privileges in advance... for I had still had trust in her then... now its a joke to think about it... and to think a month ago Ken is still trying brush my claims on Karen... now he understood what I am preparing him about... ironically sad thing isnt it...

Mum, I had been thinking alot, time is running out, I had my own life, and I had contributed my time to Karen, and it had all turned out to be waste of my time. I will be working soon and tomorrow will be a showcase of what Karen will do when there are no one to guide her when I am persuing my career after my studies... Forgive me should I decide to send her to rehab centre... I am sorry Mum, truely I had failed you in Karen, but I shall not fail the family, I shall try my very best to bring glory to the family... Please bless me Mum... I need your blessing to give me strength.

ADDITION:
2nd aunt called me much later tonight again. She told me that Karen did not want to come back home to do her project due to my presence. Hence, Karen will be doing the project at the void deck of 2nd aunt's flat. Sounds like a perfect setup for another wandering.

2nd Aunt now asked me to cooperate with her. She told me that she told Karen I had initiate to request her back. I am not. Actually, my one and only intention is to send Karen to rehab centre. And sending Karen to 2nd Aunt house is only for me to observe and to confirm my decision.

Irregardless, on 2nd Aunt's behalf, she told me to suppress my original intention and to give Karen a chance to rekindle the bond between us - but I will be the one to make the retreat for KAren cannot think straight yet. Haiz... hope the sacrifice is worth it.

Interestingly, 2nd Aunt also reveal to me that Daniel (Karen's boyfriend) revealed to her that his parent also do not understand him (or his needs rather). I was furious. HE smoked, not interested in study, ask for money for outing and many more, and he expect his parents to understand him?!

I simply draws up a simple illustration:-
A thief steals something, get caught and reasoned that the police and law does not understand his plight. Hence, the thief has NO fault for it is the police and law at fault.

DOing the wrong things IN THE FIRST PLACE and expect others to understand? Advices and gentle reminders given but only to be ignored and cast away? Repeat the same wrong action and the unwillingless to try to correct oneself, and expects others to understand?

When did the society became such a paradise?

Nonetheless, I thanked 2nd Aunt for she had tried very hard to repair the bond, and therefore I shall not invalidate her effort, but rest is dependent on Karen now... Mum, its time to judge...

Yesterday was Karen Birthday but the celebration is held today.

Our 2nd aunt brought Karen and her boyfriend back, along with a roast duck, a BD cake and some other side dishes. Ken chipped in some prawns, chicken wings and and chicken franks.

Things seem not to be too well as what 2nd aunt affirmed me with. Things are more or less similar, 2nd aunt says its fine, cos its is fine with her; but not with me, as with the "acceptance boundary" of Ken and mine for Karen's behaviour.

I observed that 2nd aunt do "cover up" for Karen misdeeds. Back in her room with her boyfriend, Karen on her bed and her boyfriend on the floor, I saw her boyfriend touching Karen. Prior to that, they were touching each other...

Its only 2 days and some 2 nights. Too early to say, hopefully all goes well, else Karen will be going straight to the rehab centre. I really feel bad having to trouble 2nd aunt and disrupt her family life. This can be stated as the last solution prior to my last retort.

Hope you understand, Mum, for my decision is a necessity.