RedAsh's Blog

Hi mum, its 4.30 pm in the late noon, here I am decided to share with my experience with you once again.

facade = fur SAR
serene == calm and peaceful

This week begins the real fireman training, and it is going to be very packed as we are squeezing the 12 weeks course into 10 weeks frame.

This week is kinda good and bad,

Minhazul

Farsel

Mum, on Saturday 24th, XiaoGugu came over to stay overnight, and begin her preparation of the grant feast we are to have on Sunday 25th January 2009.

It was quite a spread, as it involved tremendous effort, cooking for several hours straight.

Then on Monday, Mum, we went forth to visit you and we have our little lunar Chinese New Year Celebration, a little family gathering...

Monday was quite a day, we visited each of our kin houses. It was quite a success, something that is unfound of from previous round visiting... this year is somewhat different, it is successful and it is felt by the hearts of all people. So successful that we decided to do it again next year. So it seems that this "round robin" culture is quite unique to our family tree; Ah ma had quite a move on that haha.

DanJian introduce a little card game call "in-between", and it surface the potential danger of gambling, with a base of mere 60 cents, it has the potential to multiply to hundreds... and Ken also mentioned that he had a game with a base of 1 dollar multiplied to thousands...

That is pretty much what happened yesterday, with Ken and Karen continuing the gambling at Zhongkai's house past dawn...

Today, mum, with Ken and Karen out to Eryi house, I discovered that Karen had the desire to become an image consultant, give her your blessing Mum, and of course, do continue to bless me too, esp with the CDA training and handling of relationships...

Nothing much happens today,

My CIS 311 CW 02 Coding is finally finalised, so whats left will be of the reporting, and some decorative commenting.

Went down to Kai's home, only achievement is to withhold some dirty little "secret" of Junwei that I can used to protect me against his wrath in future, =P

Kekeke talk about banishing evil...

Morning Mum,

It is the 2nd week of the course. Next week is where the hell starts, but lets talk about the happenings in the 2nd week.

It was kind of a roller coaster... I was like hot and then cold and then condemned...

It started fine on Monday, and Tuesday, where 32nd ERS was rewarded with a nights off for good performance at Jurong Lake.

Then on Wednesday, because of "Monkeys", we were caught by CDA Director. For marching like "monkeys", we are to march 1 round around the 2.4km route, wasting 20 mins of our time, and giving Inche Roslan 1 MORE complain.

Its a simple thing but the more simpler it gets, all the more people take it for granted.

Anyway, Inche Roslan is kind enough to give us a chance to prove ourselves, by giving no... NO punishment... other than a speech of warning and advice... not even a reprimand... and a promise from us that we will march properly, the same standard that we gave in the BOC parade, which we had...

There are huge improvements in subsequent drill, but there are still monkeys ard who just cannot discipline themselves.

Ivan, he is ok for Mon and Tues, but from Thurs onwards, I seem to realise that he started to sabotage me, shouting loudly all my mistakes, and trying to invalidate my effort; while I give him his credit he is due, he did not do the same to me = I look him up as a friend (that is dishonorable). For instance, saying that I am doing relundant stuff trying to clean the sink. He is ok on the average, but daily activities had tested his personal values.

It seemed that he wanted that "Best Trainee" and I am in his way. It is funny that 1> he knew the window rack is VERY dirty but did not clean it = a question of his desire to clean the dorm, But when the muslim returns, he started working and helping others, yet NEVER bother to help Himran, his section mate, who is the BIGGEST liability of the ENTIRE dorm...
2> he mentioned he never touch chocolate, but he picked up chocolate much later, because he feel like eating it, a question of his integrity,

= It seems that Ivan is really the "wayang" type of person who does thing selectively...

Next is Himran, he is also "wayang" and totally shameless... He did not put in effort to do stuff, but he also claim credit for things he never do. For instant, he hardly made any contribution to the dorm, but when MAJ Raihan asked for show of hands of who really "EARNESTLY feel that he had put in effort in the dorm cleaning".

The other one in mind is the current OIC, Khairy... I cant really conclude his invalidity. As he said he is totally "wayang" and HAD to wayang so that he can get to his current status. But he gave his seat to a kid, only a person with a heart can do that, but when he approach me and ask me if my helm is comfortable, that seems totally relundant and fake.

Morning Mum,

I just recall some events that I had ytd with some of the younger NSF in SCDF.

It seems that I got too carried away and started to show "superiorism".

3 instances ytd,

1> When Ong asked me about the date for today, I seemed to make him look stupid. I give him the date, coupled with a question. "I thought you were using a handphone just now? Does the (handphone) model comes with the date function?" He replied "yea..." I returned a "oic, sry I am not that knowledgable abt handphone models"

2> Cartelle, the italian dude, had a nice chit-chat in the bus; about shows, and linking to Phua Chu Kang and Simpson Movie's Spider Pig. Also, I learn that he is much more artistic, and how his father is rational, and hence the gap. Till he suddenly blur out that his dad bought a condo unit, of a condominium we passed by and somehow after some questions, in my earnest, it seems that they had assumed I lived in a Condo, or owned one... wtf... why cant they seperate character value with financial value?

3> Lastly, Mao, that 2-tongue snake. He is quite a good talker, but mostly illogical, like the handphone model I asked if it is china made. He replied it is his mum, and he used it because he is afraid that SCDF will be alike NS SAF, he wont be able to use video camera, hence no point to purchase high-end new ones. Yet he holds a video camera. "It doesnt LOOK logical" thats what i told him. So only just then, I realised that he is "just trying to cover up" he is holding an old phone? I dont know, but he sure has pride that is base on valueless valuables...

It also reflected badly on me 2 things I want to avoid "ASS-U-ME"...
1> Mobs are located behind the balcony, but I merely peek and ASSUME that it is not there.
2> After chatting with an OCT and learn abt diff costume colors, I ASSUME the brand new FIRESUIT will be mine...

Mum, I will continue later, I am going to do my Passport first. Bless me Mum

1st week of my 24 week training in ERS course.

Its been a rough week mum, 23 weeks to go... and it felt so long yet so short...

I seem to be the hot topic this week... everyone are like looking up to me...

It started out pretty roughly... alot of pple start out thinking I am a blur. Then they seems to change that and think I not that blur. Then they think I am strong-willed. Which they change again and think I am pretty knowledgable, then after a speech by Inche Roslan, they think I am being pretentious. After a lecture about ERS, and some speech by Inche Erwan and Inche Raya, they look up to me as being mature and serious... something that I want to train myself to be... and I am still working my way to it...

Still being respectful to me is still not enough, there still pple despising others due to herd mentality and many other causes. Irregardless, there will be times where I will be vulnerable, and I hope that someone will be there to back me up. But that is not that way things work, pple want to see a winner who is always a winner, a moment of vulnerability only cease their impression on them, and it is reduced by several magnitude.

Mum, I would like to talk about my Section, Section 9. I am Number 1, Kuddoos is Number 2, Mao Zhi Chao is Number 3, Min(haizhul) is Number 4. Kuddoos is my bed buddy and Zhi Chao is my Section Buddy. In my section, Min is the only one that protraits the most self-motivated. He has high aims, and he aimed for gold; I only aim for a silver and be fitter. Min is different from the many others, he does not aim with a mouth, he put in effort, REAL SERIOUS EFFORT.

He is one that I have confident in, and is proud to have him with. I feel like he is THE little brother I longed for; and he looks me up as an elder brother, a mentor. As such I must continuously improve myself, just not to let him down.

Kuddoos is neutral, he is physically weak, and mentally not strong too. And he tends to "blur" away once in a while, when things get tough... still kinda immature... but he is much better than Mao.

Mama, this guy Mao is a pain in the arse. A HUGE disappointment of what I expected of him. Initially I am relief that I had this guy as my section mate, as he is the only chinese. However his character is horrible. I found him talking behind my back, to Jim "Marcus actually is very dirty." Then he full-stop after I asked him to get ready... maybe I am being a control-freak. As he find me unbearable, as much as I find his behaviour unbearable ~ like sitting on others' bed (Min's bed) with his dirty pants on, his messy and dirty clothing, a total lack of discipline.

To top it off, he is like Fidarus. Firdarus approach me with a VERY friendly smile and I thought he is a Friendly dude (now I realise why people are afraid of people who approach them with TOO-Friendly-A-smile, which I used to think it is courtesy, is a mistake, a mistake I used to commit). While in reality, he is trying to DIG INTO me and get my weakness to stab me in the back. And Fidarus managed somehow, he asked me why I quit and return, I spoke that I had no choice, then he shouted "Room!" after Inche Roslan enter the room sometime. Anyway, I saw his smile/grin of satisfaction, and asked me "You are not really that discipline rite?". He returned a disappointed look when I replied "I trained 2~4 hrs a day." I had all the answer I had for him.

Mao is no less different, he tried to be ALL-friendly with me, when I know he is extremely displease with me. For instance, on Thursday night, when I asked Kuddoos to go pull chin-up, (I was invited by Kuddoos and Min) he said that "Kuddoos may not really want to go chin-up" as if I am forcing them to. It was irony when I replied that they initiated it instead... anyway, today, Mao was all friendly with me, but he kept saying stupid silly and illogical stuff and doing disrespectful acts... troubles me ALOT... definately the weakest link in my section...

Talking about weakest link, Mum, I had a talk with the weakest link in our entire cohort, Himran. He was the "outcast" of the whole cohort, and everyone wants him out. I told him that in layman term that he is viewed upon as a burden. I even give him some advice,

1> Talk to his section buddy instead of his bed buddy, Jim looks pissed when he is to tidy Himran's blanket. And I saw that he ignored Himran when he call to him later. Anyway, a bed buddy is to look out for each other, therefore the need to develop a common bond. When Jim was done with his own stuff, he went off to chit-chat, with no regards to Himran's messy bed. But cant fault him much, for it is basic stuff that each can take care of by self.
2> To check up U-tube for fitness advice
3> To have a plan on 3 top priority at Section level and rota level, other than personal level

==================================================================================

And Fuck me, after doing a VERY thorough clean up of my bunk, tidying my stuff, I even place my cap and my WALLET in the cupboard. TOTALLY IDIOT... looks like I am too carried away with the little, unstable "success" that I only manage to get a "sip" on...

Mum, found a way to overcome the firesuit issue, although it is not really feasible in live operation, it still allow me to sustain through the long and hot parade... at least it will "warm me up" for the live operation in firesuit.

Had a jog-and-walk-a-thon, but the first event is a tug-of-war, 32nd ERS represented the CDA and got 3rd, looks like weight matters a lot more than leg strenght. I also had the coolest warm-up in my life, aerobic boxing. 3 sets of hands, follow by 1 set of punch, and 3 sets of legs. Ending with 1 set of angle, thigh and calf stretch. After that, we did a 3.2km run, but it felt more like 2 km... and unfortunately, I had to stop twice to catch my breath; need more training no doubt, maybe the circuit training suggested by MinHaizu will help.

Things to rmb:
1> To go to POSB bank tomorrow
2> To go to ICA tomorrow
3> To finalise my CIS 318 CW02 and prepare to start on CIS 311 CW02
4> To pack my stuff and leave home by 1730

And some MANDATORY STUFF to do:

*Returning Home Backpack ~ 4 items
1> Wallet in the SCDF Plastic Bag
2> 1 set of Book-In Smart 4
3> 1 pair of Combat Boots (booking in and out)
4> 1 Cap

It is just all about respecting each other and having respect for self, in short, treat others the way you want to be treated.

There is also a talk on becoming a SO after ERS, and Rafili and Ma'Tair asked me any intention to become a SO... I really need to understand if SCDF fits me first, or it may be something that I may regret...

Never deny a man a chance to learn from his failure, it builds his experience, and if he overcomes, he becomes more confident.

Mum, thanks for the protection this week, that I can return home in one piece. Your protection is still required, yet I have more to request of you Mum; Please bless me to carry myself in proper balence, so that I wont let my guard down nor let myself loose.

Mum, today I had a good talk with Eryi.

She had helped to pin-point my weakness.

She mentioned that I protraited an image of matureness but my weakness is revealed when I talked, my eye and tone shows an image of idiotness.

Her advice for me is to be more shrewd.

Since I had set a bad impression on my superior, in particular, course administrator, Inche Roslan, the only way I can do is to redeem myself.

1> And this is only be done with my consistency, sincerity in my training. All these requires discipline, and being on alert at all times.

2> And she also advice me not to trouble him anymore.

I felt relieved when Eryi said that she is confident in me, and I am to be confident in myself, and in my capabilities.

At the same time, she reminded me that I will trouble others, not just me, should I get OOC (out of course), and she is refering to the bond. Also she reminded me that I should never ALWAYS use my anti-social as an excuse; I should overcome it.

She also said it is only 6 months, and she understood that all my attitude will be reported.

Mum, I can only do my best not to OOC now. Please bless me, please protect me from heat injury. I am in one of the most critical crisis in my life. I am afraid that the Course Administrator will notify the HQ to OOC me in the middle of my course. Please grant me more luck. I need more, MUCH more of it than ever.

Arrogance:

The best way I identify an arrogant person is how that person makes me feel about myself. An arrogant person makes me feel foolish about myself for asking a legitimate question. Most of the arrogant people I have met were teachers of one sort or another who would resort to intimidation when they were tired and didn't feel like teaching. Arrogance may be a demonstration of personal insecurity, but it comes across sometimes as the ability to make the other guy feel like an idiot for asking what is usually a perfectly legitimate question. I am sure there are many other types of arrogant people, like dentists and politicians, especially when they are either greedy or just outright wrong. An arrogant person can often take his own insecurities and project them onto you so you feel bad about who you are. You usually can feel "This guy has the wrong attitude - he is arrogant." But what it is often is that he is not secure in either who he is or what he knows, and the person he tries to put on the receiving end of this is you.

The dynamic of being on the receiving end of an arrogant person is you have to take some time off later and work on yourself to get your self-esteem back where it should be. Arrogant people leave a bad feeling in your brain. I have gotten pretty good spotting arrogance. You can side-step it by only asking your questions of people who are pleased to see you. I hope this sheds some light on how I view arrogant people, at least. Some arrogant people are only jealous of how intelligent YOU are. Best to you always from Chris, in South Portland, Maine, U.S.A. (I am 63 years old and have had a lot of practice in staying free from people who show an offensive sense of superiority.)

Definition(s)
1) Having or displaying a sense of overbearing self-worth or self-importance.
2) Marked by or arising from a feeling or assumption of one's superiority toward others: an arrogant contempt for the weak.
3) Overly convinced of one's own superiority and importance: 4) haughty, high-and-mighty, insolent, lofty, lordly, overbearing, overweening, prideful, proud, supercilious, superior. Idioms: on one's high horse
5) having exaggerated self-opinion
having or showing feelings of unwarranted importance out of overbearing pride Often people who are arrogant are not aware of their own behavior or don't want to recognize they are arrogant. *A person can be arrogant but not show it externally to others due to his thoughts, actions and emotions.***See Also Parris Hilton! OH Wait you didn`t say ARROGANT HO my bad hehehe...
6> one who lies to cover up his weakness; and doesnt see the truth will set him/her free.
7> The one that always thinks everyone else is trying to trick him/her and so just asking whats the date will prvide the wrong date.
8> The one who thinks he is terribly intellectually clever when he has stayed awake all night trying to think up something that is a trick question, statement etc. Who are you?
9> The person who thinks you should believe because he/she does.

Hi Mum, your eldest son here.

I am troubled. I am worry.

The path is set for me, there is no turning back for me now.

I cannot request for any form of withdrawal nor fear of heat injury. But I can only do my best to prevent it, by hook or by book.

I really wonder, why I always make things difficult for myself or others. I only want to make things simple, but in the end, I always end up getting into bigger mess.

I sign up with SCDF, and then today, the HQ Guards call me that I will be charge AWOL, in the night, I call up inche Roslan, my course admin. But I end up giving him a bad day.

I think he really hates me now, and he told in front of the class that "someone" here "act blur look" took advantage, see "lobang" and "show his true colour". I think that he is referring to me as no one else but me actually talked to him today.

Mum, I am really bad with handling people. It is really hard to deal with things logically. Human need something extra. Maybe Hongbin is right, I am too logical, too robotic, too machinary.

Ivan had a talk with me, I admire his appetite for risk. He is adventurous and is a risk taker. Unlike me, I am trying to avoid risk, and has the tendency to become paralysis by analysis. I was also reprimanded by Ivan that with the time I was given after the NS notification, I did a last minute notification even the phone I kept calling did not go through. It is my responsibility and of my own. And hence, today's situation is nothing more than my own "arrogance".

I have yet to fully woke up my fucking idea, but most of them had woken only on 1st Jan 2009.

I dunno mum. I am now as what Inche Roslan said, he will strangle me by the neck like a chicken, which I am really in now. Somehow, people likes to think that I am "acting", when in reality I am not. I am only doing what is necessary and situationally correct, and that seems to be a problem.

I sense that he is trying to do me in, by only announcing that today is too late for resignation. And he is going to make my life hell in the next 120 days. At the very least, 60 days.

I am lost, Mum, please protect me for the next 24 weeks. My hell starts on 12th Jan 2009; I am currently going through the worst path in my life.